Two weeks ago, we embarked upon a dangerous mission: to watch all of 24 in one go and catch up on the series’ escapades before it returns for Live Another Day on Wednesday 7th May.
After all, 24 is the show that virtually invented the concept of binge-viewing, so what better way to celebrate that in a time when binge-viewing has become mainstream than by returning to the one that started it all? 8 days of 24 in 6 days? We named it Bauerthon and started live blogging immediately.
With 8 days to go until the new season actually arrives, we bring the edited highlights of the event – so you can remind yourself of what’s happened to Jack over the years without having to go through what we did.
This is Bauerthon, aka. the longest day of our life.
Bauerthon: A Season 6 recap.
Season 6, Episode 1
18:04 The following takes place between 6am and 7am (Day 6)
Islamic militants are being blamed for bombings across America.
A suicide bomber has just blown up a bus! The effects looked grand.
The President is Wayne Palmer!
The President believes a man called Al-Assard is behind the bombings.
Morris and Chloe are back together and working at CTU. Happy days.
Jack is not in a Chinese prison! The President has agreed a deal for his release. But nobody can tell Chloe about it.
Jack has a beard! It’s like Tom Hanks in Castaway.
The kill count has been reset. Jack managed 30 kills and 3 tortures on Day 5.
Jack hasn’t spoken in over two years according to the Chinese. He didn’t crack under the torture.
Without giving him time for a shower or a shave, Bill Buchanan is giving Jack his next orders but Jack is distant and unfocused.
Jack’s first words are “Audrey” and “my daughter”. Neither of them know he’s back or alive. He wants it kept that way. Because that worked out well the last time.
Jack’s body is badly scarred and now he’s about to shave off his beard.
Bill and Karen appear to be married.
Chloe knows that Nadia left the Jarvis firewall unsecured once. She’ll never let that go.
Beard update: The beard has gone.
Wayne Palmer is still sporting the thin goatee. Without it, there wouldn’t be a hair on his head.
Peter MacNicol is looking like a mole in the White House. It wouldn’t surprise us – he’s already stealing the show.
Jack is ready to die, as long as it’s to die for something. That something is the freedom of the United States of America.
American loyalties are being questioned as white people start threatening any person of colour.
Kal Penn is playing one of the oldest teenagers we’ve ever seen.
Chloe and Morris were spying on Bauer’s pickup and now have cost the operation as the terrorists are refusing to give up Al-Assard’s location.
What a surprise, Bauer is going to be tortured. By the brother of one of Bauer’s victims.
CTU are chasing the wrong man! Al-Assard is actually there to stop the attacks. Bauer is going to die for nothing!
18:43 End of Episode 1 (Day 6)
What We’ve Learned:
– Bauer killed Fayed’s brother and has barely kept his finger.
– If Bauer loses a finger, how will he shoot or use his PDA?
– Jack channels his inner Lost Boy to get out of sticky situations.
Season 6, Episode 2
18:44 The following takes place between 7am and 8am
Who is the mole inside CTU this time? The good money is on Nadia.
Jack’s back to his usual self. He’s found a car, he’s calling CTU to call off an air strike and asking people to trust him.
President Palmer gives a wry smile when he learns that Bauer is alive.
Palmer isn’t going to call off the air strike. Jack is going rogue.
Of course he is.
The air strike on Al-Assard is literally going in blind – based on Fayed’s location but without checking first he’s actually there. Clever tactics.
Jack has a gun. Prepare for the kill count to skyrocket!
“Drop the coffee!”
Bauer knows the playbook. He’s come face to face with Al-Assard and has found the mole in Al-Assard’s camp. The race is on to get clear of the air strike zone.
Jack has lost his gun! Jack has lost his gun!
Regina King is here and playing the President’s sister, Sandra Palmer.
Fayed has another suicide bomber prepped and ready to go.
Jack is having a change of clothes. Al-Assard notes his scars.
Chloe and Buchanan know it was Jack who saved Al-Assard and are going to keep it under wraps… for now.
Nothing changes, does it?
Torture Time: Jack is going to get the information out of the traitor as to where Fayed is hiding.
Jack feels some compassion; he can see it in his eyes that he isn’t going to tell him anything.
Al-Assard doesn’t take this for an answer, though, and stabs the traitor in the kneecap. Ouch!
Al-Assard is after peace? He has just gutted the traitor in his ranks without remorse.
Jack, however, is a shell of his former self. He doesn’t know how to do this anymore.
Sandra has used a shredding program to remove the files from the database, obstructing the FBI in their investigation.
Ahmed is brutally attacked in his own home by the American racist, but we know his attack is justified.
Ahmed finds the package and a gun, he kills his attacker and then holds his “friend” Scott up at gunpoint.
Bauer and Al-Assard have tracked down Fayed’s suicide bomber headed for the subway.
Bauer and Al-Assard have split up, Bauer is after the bomber, Al-Assard the handler. Did they exchange phone numbers before they left or have they arranged to meet up at the fountain in the park at half eight?
For a show so caught up in minor plot twists, it doesn’t worry much about the details.
Bauer saves the train! He super-kicks the suicide bomber through the window as he self-detonates.
This does not count as a Bauer Kill.
The subway bombing hasn’t disappointed Fayed too much; he has two others that have exploded in other locations.
Wayne Palmer has been told that Fayed is the real terrorist.
19:26 End of Episode 2 (Day 6)
What We’ve Learned:
– Jack’s back but not ready to kill.
– Wayne Palmer isn’t like his brother.
– Peter MacNichol is still the mole… we’re sure about it. Probably.
Season 6, Episode 3
19:28 The following takes place between 8am and 9am
Palmer and CTU know its Fayed and not Al-Assard behind these attacks.
Palmer is very happy to negotiate with terrorists.
Morris and Milo are both in CTU. They aren’t going to get along.
Jack has just car-jacked an innocent civilian and is now unashamedly running that car through back alleys and gates. We hope that civilian had insurance.
“Thank you for calling. What is the nature of your claim today?”
Al-Assard and Bauer have conned the handler and are now using him to take CTU to Fayed’s location.
Lucky for Ahmed, Scott’s mum is a nurse and he wants her to patch him up, although he has compromised himself to Scott’s family.
Ahmed can’t do his job, so is forcing Scott’s Dad to do it for him.
Curtis is conflicted about working with Al-Assard; he will probably cause Jack to make a tough decision sooner or later.
When given the opportunity to stab his best friend, Scott can’t do it and decides to sit down.
As Palmer watches prisoners prepare to board buses to their freedom, Tom informs him of his sister’s arrest.
Considering the iPhone came out in 2007, CTU still appear to be adopting the flip phone as the phone of choice.
Curtis exacts his authority and throws Al-Assard off the operation. CTU have the suspect on satellite surveillance as he enters a storage unit.
In the background, Team Brandori are bidding on a unit.
The unit is loaded with C4 and the swat team has just unleashed a torrent of bullets into the unit. The suspect pulls a grenade and blows the evidence.
Scott’s Dad hands over the package to Marcus but he refuses to take it, he needs another fifty grand. Time for some Bauer style negotiating.
Al-Assard deciphers that Fayed might have a nuclear bomb! Curtis loses control and is blaming Al-Assard, Jack steps in to defuse the situation.
They find a name who is one of the criminals imprisoned and about to be released on the aeroplane!
20:07 End of Episode 3 (Day 6)
What We’ve Learned:
– There are ruddy moles everywhere. You just can’t trust anyone. Still.
– Nuclear war is on the horizon and only Jack Bauer can save us.
– Wayne Palmer will happily give into terrorist demands. The idiot.
Season 6, Episode 4
20:08 The following takes place between 9am and 10am
Numair is loose and has access to briefcase nukes. Good old Numair.
Curtis is really against Al-Assard and Jack calls him out on it when Al-Assard finds a PDA with a message on it saying they have the weapon.
Scott’s Dad – Ray – has already killed a man to get this package. Now he’s trying to be a hero. His wife has been let go, leaving Scott alone with an injured Ahmed. Who will die?
Morris works faster with tabs.
Plot exposition! Chloe dated Milo a couple of times before eventually getting back together with Morris.
Morris says there is “no lingering jealousy about any films” that Chloe and Milo may have seen together.
Tom (MacNicol) is refusing to patch a call through from Sandra to the President. He’s a mole. Gotta be.
Ray has delivered the package and Fayed has ordered Ahmed to kill Scott!
Palmer appreciates Tom’s loyalty.
Famous last words if ever we’ve heard them.
CTU infiltrate Scott’s house as Ahmed panics and tries to run. Ahmed it shot, barely breathing. Jack didn’t pull the trigger.
Scott has given CTU details of Fayed’s location and have tactical teams en route.
Scott is reunited with his mother, they haven’t heard from Ray but they will have to deal with him being a murderer now.
Chloe informs Jack that Curtis and Al-Assard have a history. Probably shouldn’t leave them alone together.
It’s a standoff as Curtis has Al-Assard and Jack wants his release. It’s tense.
There’s a shot! Curtis has gone down. Through the neck! The Bauer of Shoot First Question Later is back! Or is he?
He goes off to vomit.
Tactical have infiltrated Fayed’s compound. The nuke is ready to go off.
In the crossfire, Namir flicks the switch and the nuke has gone off.
The world will never be the same again.
20:47 End of Episode 4 (Day 6)
What We’ve Learned:
– Everyone in LA is going to be exposed to nuclear radiation.
– There are four more nukes out there, somewhere.
– That explosion. Was. Incredible.
Season 6, Episode 5
20:49 The following takes place between 10am and 11am
The world will have to deal with the aftermath of the nuclear bomb going off.
Initial estimates that no less than 12,000 people will have died in the explosion.
Wayne Palmer is being moved down to the bunker but needs to get in front of a camera to make an address to the nation within the hour.
There is a state of panic on the streets of LA.
Fayed wasn’t in the blast zone, he’s calling his contact as his engineer died in the blast and the four other suitcase nukes need triggers building.
There is a helicopter embedded in someone’s roof. Yes.
Incredible scenes as Jack plays samaritan.
Jack calls in Buchanan. He’s back in the game.
Wayne asks himself: “What Would David Do?”
Morris has found Jack’s father’s name in a list of people that did business with people linked to Fayed. Jack has been estranged from his father for the past nine years but is going to head over to talk to him now.
The FBI are going to put a wire on prisoner Walid as he’s overheard rumblings of a bomb and has established a confidence inside the prison camp.
Jack calls his father but he isn’t there. His call was intercepted, though, and has been passed onto his brother, Graem.
Darren may have found someone to make the triggers for Fayed, but he wants assurances the money is available.
Walid has been accepted by the prisoners.
Jack has turned up at his brother’s place.
It’s a family reunion but tensions are palatable as Jack meets his Graem, his nephew Josh and his sister in law Marilyn who he used to date!
Jack has just punched his brother in the face.
Jack has tied Graem to a chair and is threatening to torture him if he doesn’t start giving answers!
Jack seriously doesn’t trust anybody.
21:29 End of Episode 5 (Day 6)
What We’ve Learned:
– Wayne Palmer is scared.
– Jack will stop at nothing to get the information he wants, even if it means hurting his own family.
Season 6, Episode 6
21:30 The following takes place between 11am and 12pm
While Jack tortures his own brother for information about his father, President Palmer addresses the nation.
Karen and Tom are having a heated argument. Tom keeps touching his face.
Tom’s a mole.
He tells an aide that he needs to get Karen out of the way and quickly. He has a henchman.
He’s a mole. He must be.
Torture works. Graem confesses all to his brother: both he and his father knew about the nuke and now Graem and Jack are off to go meet their pa.
Nadia is falling behind in her work. She’s “backed up” which means she’s been doing work for the bad guys.
Nadia’s extra workload is because Tom Lennox has put extra security measures in place meaning agents at CTU are being racially profiled.
Tom has intel on Bill Buchanan “freeing” Fayed in the past and is using this against Karen. He wants her to tender her resignation. It’s not working. Karen threatens to pull the skeletons out of Tom’s closet if he doesn’t back off.
Milo has just logged Nadia in using his user ID. He’s reminded it’s illegal and he continues anyway. If Nadia is a mole, this could be trouble.
Karen goes to the President to hand in her resignation – she must have it already typed up. How else would she have found the time in the last two minutes?
Palmer refuses to accept it but Karen is forcing the move, offering the President some strong words of encouragement.
Karen has asked to be reassigned to LA and CTU. It’s the place that couples go to work.
Walid has pick-pocketed the phone inside the prison and the information has been sent to CTU. Now he’s got to try and put it back without them noticing.
Walid has been discovered! He’s attacked by everyone in the prison. He’s still breathing, but barely, when FBI come in to intercept.
Jack comes face to face with his father.
James Cromwell towers over Jack whilst Graem is half his size.
The genetics in the Bauer family are all messed up.
22:09 End of Episode 6 (Day 6)
What We’ve Learned:
– Jack is the only good one of the Bauers.
– There are still four suitcase nukes out there.
– Everyone has a bit of red in their ledger.
Season 6, Episode 7
22:11 The following takes place between 12pm and 1pm
With the nuclear blast still in the sky, Jack is being escorted away as Tom begins to weasel in next to the President.
Karen confesses to Bill that she’s resigned whilst Tom starts to manipulate the President.
Jack and his Dad have been taken away to the quarries, where it looks like Graem is going to have them buried alive.
Jack uses one of the goon’s gun to shoot the other goon. Papa Bauer kills the one Jack wanted to question. Like father, like son.
Jack talks to CTU and implicates his brother.
Darren has found someone to make the trigger and forwarded the details onto Fayed. We don’t get to see who it is.
Jack has returned to Graem’s house and has requested an interrogation kit.
Expect another check in the torture column any minute now.
Graem is a mole inside the Bauer family.
“Fetch the interrogation kit.”
Morris’ brother Timothy has been taken to the hospital. He has to leave.
Jack pulls out the needle, removes Graem’s glasses, and the torture begins.
Shock reveal: Graem actually gave the order to kill David Palmer, Tony Almedia and Michelle Dessler.
It’s not the first time he’s tried to have Jack killed either.
He did it for the love of his country.
Phil Bauer looks upset. He had to witness Jack torture his brother.
Phillip says Jack deserved a better family.
Tom and the Vice President seem to be in cahoots! Not the Vice President again!
President Palmer is keeping firm on his original plan. The discussion is over. The VP doesn’t look happy. Will he declare the President is unfit to remain in his role?
The file intercepted by CTU declaring who the engineer was has been identified – it’s Morris! Darren forces him into the car at gunpoint.
22:50 End of Episode 7 (Day 6)
What We’ve Learned:
– Sometimes it’s what you know that’ll get you into trouble
– Phillip Bauer is the bad guy and he’ll do anything to protect his identity.
Season 6, Episode 8
22:51 The following takes place between 1pm and 2pm
Jack is en route to the ambush site to try and find where Darren has taken Morris.
The chase is on. Darren has been spotted.
Morris is trying to reason as CTU bear down on them.
Someone else is taking the flack for a change.
Holy Mother of all that is Good.
Darren is shot by his girl. It looks like Morris is saved… no. No, she wants the money for herself.
Tom was the one who convinced Wayne Palmer to run for President. He must have hoped Wayne would have been more malleable than he’s being.
What else did we expect? The conspiracy runs deep. Tom’s aide is reporting to a higher power who does not want Tom to resign.
Morris has been delivered to Fayed. Morris has the chance to be a hero here.
But first, Morris must withstand the beating he’s getting.
Al-Assard has a face-to-face meeting with President Palmer. He’s being asked to go on television as ask his people for help in rising up against the terrorists.
Jack is at the location where Fayed has Morris hostage, there is a large tactical team with him. Is this finally the time Jack starts to up his kill count?
Morris torture scene.
Don’t watch kids. It’s intense.
Fayed notches another kill – the blonde girl who brought Morris in takes two bullets.
Tom’s ear is getting bent, he’s learning there are higher powers who will ensure the nation’s security no matter what.
CTU set off a fire alarm in the building Fayed is in. One of the people leaving the building is carrying her budgie. Damnit, budgie woman. In the event of a fire you leave everything behind.
The suitcase nuke is in the building!
Bauer has a kill!
Just one, but it’s a kill.
Morris is unconscious, but alive.
Chloe rejoices. Poor Morris.
Bauer is confronted by the nuke.
Witnesses have reported a helicopter taking off in a nearby field.
Inevitably, Fayed has got away.
Bauer has to defuse the bomb, Chloe is talking him through it. If she gets this wrong, just imagine the abuse she’s going to get.
Bomb defused. Panic over. Everyone back to work.
We don’t like the way Jack just leaves the bomb there. Clean up after yourself, Bauer.
Morris informs Jack that Fayed has an active trigger than can set off any of the other bombs whenever Fayed likes!
23:30 End of Episode 8 (Day 6)
What We’ve Learned:
– Fayed can hold the world to ransom with his active nukes.
– Tom isn’t going to resign.
Season 6, Episode 9
23:32 The following takes place between 2pm and 3pm
Fayed has escaped capture and he holds all the power.
Fayed is answering to Gredenko, the man with whom Phillip Bauer was working.
Morris is back at CTU, Chloe is concerned over his welfare as he’s shipped off to medical.
Surreal moment: Jack thanks Chloe for everything.
Phillip is acting suspiciously around Graem’s body at the morgue. Jack asks questions about Gredenko and Phillip says all the information died with Graem.
Morris is full of guilt and remorse about arming the device – not even affection from Chloe is helping him.
Phillip Bauer wants Gredenko dead. Although he’s just used a phone while inside CTU. They can trace that, can’t they?
Buchanan is going to cover up Graem’s death so Jack can keep working to find Gredenko.
The Vice President is calling Wayne Palmer again and pushing all the same stories. He mentions the majority of his cabinet feel he is making a mistake. Are we watching Day Two again? Seriously?
Tom is sneaking around the White House bunker like Dr. Janosz Poha sneaking around the museum in Ghostbusters II. Don’t act like you weren’t thinking the same thing.
Jack and Marilyn have a little talk. Is she going to be a victim of torture too? When asked about Gredenko, she flinches.
Marilyn was worried that Graem was cheating on her. Who’d do a thing like that?
Jack is still wearing his bulletproof vest despite being inside CTU. *looks at previous 24 live blogs* Better to be safe than sorry.
Parent of the year: Marilyn is leaving her son Josh at CTU with Grampa Bauer.
Phillip says he’s taking Josh back to his house but he’s just got off the phone, wanting a secure location.
Morris is still moping about in medical. Chloe tries to slap some sense into him but he doesn’t listen.
En route, Marilyn and Jack share some family stories, like when they used to date.
Phillip is on the phone to Marilyn. He’s threatening her, saying he’s going to hurt Josh. He backs that up by confessing that he killed Graem. He wants her to take Jack to another location, not the one where she met Gredenko.
Good news! Morris has returned to work.
Josh wants to know more about the family – don’t go digging kid.
Marilyn has led Jack and CTU to the incorrect location. She is conflicted, Jack can’t see that despite usually being so good at spotting weaknesses in others… and exploiting them.
BOMB! Everyone out!
While Jack makes a smashing dive out the window, it appears all the other operatives have suffered in the explosion. Milo and Marilyn are now being chased and shot at. Milo skids off the road and takes out someone’s wall.
Another explosion. Milo totals the van when he releases a grenade. It’s all happening and it’s going mental.
00:08 End of Episode 9 (Day 6)
What We’ve Learned:
– The Bauer family is powerful and dangerous.
– Jack has only killed four people in nine hours.
Season 6, Episode 10
00:32 The following events take place between 3pm and 4pm (Day 6)
In the wake of the explosion, Jack’s dad, Phillip, hears that his son is dead. His reaction? “Right, well.”
Not even a “That’ll do, pig”.
James Cromwell has changed since the Babe days.
“How could I have been so stupid?” says Jack, after learning that his dad is evil.
It’s like Babe discovering that the sheep don’t like him all over again.
Morris is back at CTU after being forced to arm the weapons and is asked to debrief Milo, who got shot while Jack was rescuing Marilyn.
“Oh great!” he whines. “That’ll make me feel much better!”
YEAH, MORRIS. BECAUSE IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU, ISN’T IT?
“If you do not tell me where Gredenko is, I will kill Josh,” Phillip warns Marilyn in his posh hotel room, after Jack gets her to call his dad and find out where they are.
Ickle Josh Bauer overhears from the other room. Poor ickle Josh Bauer. He probably used to really like Babe.
Tom Lennox and Reed are still planning to assassinate Wayne Palmer in the Presidential bunker. Lennox just has to phone in his authorisation codes for their assassin’s access – and Reed will frame Assad.
Lennox hesitates. Reed sighs. “Our man will be here within the hour.”
We bet it’s not the last time someone says that.
“Do you think they know we are working with Fayed?” asks Gredenko, as they type suspiciously on a laptop by a window.
He closes the curtain. Yeah, that’ll keep the authorities out, Gredenko.
And Morris has fallen off the wagon. Although he did spit it out straight away again afterwards.
Well done, Morris.
Chloe isn’t impressed. Not as unimpressed as Lennox, who decides not to go ahead with the assassination. Reed knocks him out and goes ahead anyway.
Bauer and Bauer break into the hotel room, only to find out that Bauer and Bauer are on the other side of the building, with Bauer holding Bauer hostage.
“Give up. There’s no other option left,” Bauer tells Bauer. Bauer offers to surrender to Bauer to save Bauer being killed by Bauer.
Bauer agrees, but then warns Bauer that he will kill Bauer if Bauer doesn’t go alone. Meanwhile, Bauer stands there with a gun to his head.
Bauer swaps Bauer for Bauer.
It’s just Bauer and Bauer left.
All we need now is for John Malkovich to turn up.
Will Bauer shoot Bauer?
No. Bauer runs away.
01:24 End of Episode 10 (3pm – 4pm, Day 6)
Here’s what we learned:
– Jack Bauer’s dad is not a nice man. Jack Bauer will not shoot his dad.
– Josh Bauer is having the worst day ever.
– Former President Charles Logan is still alive – and wants to help Jack.
Season 6, Episode 11
01:25 The following events take place between 4pm and 5pm (Day 6)
Josh Bauer in 24 is the new Chris Brody in Homeland.
Logan is saying he can get them info. on Gredenko via an old contact, Markov – if they let him out of house arrest to meet him.
“Jack, this is the man who killed my brother!” says Wayne Palmer.
Thanks, Wayne, glad we’re all on the same page now.
Lennox is doing his best “tied up” acting, while Reed’s assassin prepares the bomb to detonate during Wayne’s speech with Assad – the perfect moment to kill the President, just as he’s helping a former terrorist to call for peaceful negotiations among all extremists.
Chloe and Morris are now having an argument about his drinking problem. In the men’s toilets.
“Not now!” she yells when another man tries to enter to relieve himself.
We wouldn’t like to see her after a couple.
Al-Assad is at the podium rehearsing his speech on the teleprompter. Reed stands around looking suspicious – then Al-Assad notices the dodgy dictaphone leaking fluid in front of him.
The bomb goes off. Wayne looks pretty dead.
02:05 End of Episode 11 (4pm – 5pm, Day 6)
Here’s what we learned:
– Morris is drinking. But has poured the rest down the sink.
– Chloe is not impressed.
– Logan has a beard. It is a good beard.
– Wayne Palmer is seriously injured.
– Lennox is still tied up by Reed’s assassin.
Season 6, Episode 12
02:11 The following events take place between 5pm and 6pm (Day 6)
Lennox turns Reed and his assassin in, because we always knew that we could trust that guy from Mr. Bean to do the right thing.
Logan asks Markov for information on Gredenko, but he refuses.
Jack Bauer comes up with another plan: cut the power to the Russian Consullate and break in to interrogate him.
“You just spent 2 years in a Chinese prison for breaking into an Embassy,” says Logan. “You’re willing to risk that again?!”
Jack says nothing. He’s either very dedicated to his country – or very stupid.
*prepares to update Torture count*
Oh, look! It’s a cigar cutter! How convenient.
Drones! That’s what Gredenko is planning.
Thank goodness for torture, eh?
Just as Bauer finishes his specialty, though, a Russian team kidnaps him.
De ja vu.
02:46 End of Episode 12 (5pm – 6pm, Day 6)
Here’s what we learned:
– Gredenko is planning to use the nuclear weapons with Markov to launch drones.
– Torture is great. Except for when it isn’t.
Season 6, Episode 13
02:46 The following events take place between 6pm and 7pm (Day 6)
Mike Doyle’s now head of field ops at CUT – much to Milo’s annoyance.
“I didn’t think this would be like Denver,” he said last week.
We still haven’t been told what happened in Denver. Feel that? That’s called dramatic tension.
Technical problems stopped the live blog from working for the last hour – no matter how many times we shouted “Damn it Chloe!” at the computer.
Things are back up and running now, although we can’t say the same for all of 24’s characters…
The last message we tried to send:
Martha and Logan are now back together. Aww. What a lovely reunio- OH MY WORD SHE JUST STABBED HIM IN THE NECK WITH A KNIFE.
Yes, this is an actual thing that actually just happened.
The time is now approximately 8.30pm. Or 4.30am. Depending on whether you live in the real world or not.
A recap of what’s happened since Logan was stabbed with a breadknife:
– Nadia’s computer has been breached, jeopardising national security and (more importantly) her and Milo’s unspoken relationship. He snogs her, which naturally makes everything better.
– Jack is ordered to be released by the Russian President. When Markov refuses, the President authorises an attack on the Russian Embassy. This is an actual thing that actually happened.
– There’s lots of bleeping at Wayne Palmer’s bedside. This is a bad thing.
– Bauer and his team are now following a new lead: Mark Hauser, who helped Gredenko earlier in the day. Raiding his house, they end up finding Brady, Mark’s autistic brother. And promptly used him as an asset, following him as he delivers blueprints to Gredenko. A few gunshots later and Brady is off to see his brother.
“I’m off to see my brother!” says Brady. Jack smiles and pats his arm.
“Thank you, Brady.”
Yes. Thank you, Brady. America thanks you.
With Gredenko now in custody, Jack gives the order to prepare him…
… yes, you guessed it: for interrogation.
The Vice President attempts to retaliate against Gredenko’s drone launch – which was thwarted by CTU – with his own nuclear strike, despite opposition from Lennox.
Just as the strike is about to launch, the submarine is ordered to stand down.
The person giving the orders?
05:08 End of Episode 15 (8pm – 9pm, Day 6)
Here’s what we learned:
– Wayne is back, baby. But he’s in a wheelchair. Like a rubbish Professor X.
Season 6, Episode 16
05:08 The following events take place between 9pm and 10pm (Day 6)
“Roosevelt did just fine from a wheelchair,” Sandra tells Wayne.
Yeah, Wayne. So did Professor X.
Wayne orders a shot of adrenaline to make sure he is capable of standing up and appearing in full control of his body. The doctors advise against it. He goes ahead anyway.
This can only end well.
Professor X would never do that.
The Vice President is trying to carry a vote of no confidence in Wayne to claim control of the country. The cabinet is split 50/50 – but Daniels claims one vote against him is invalid: Karen, who was not officially reinstated to her post, despite attending cabinet meetings with him.
“It’s really a question of my state of mind,” says Daniels to his own people. “You treated her like National Security Adviser. Your state of mind will be inferred from your actions.”
Really, the question is much simpler: would you want this man in charge of your country?
Daniels withdraws his claim after Lennox records him plotting to commit perjury to secure his claim.
Long live Professor X.
Gredenko meets Fayed with a tracking bug planted in his arm.
The solution? Chop off his arm.
The good news? There’s blood dripping everywhere. Jack goes in pursuit.
“That’s the terrorist off the news!” shouts Gredenko in a bar, pointing at Fayed. Then shuffles out of a side entrance.
The punters gang up on Fayed and kick the crap out of him.
AMERICA. FUCK YEAH.
President Wayne Palmer just launched the nuclear strike anyway.
BAD PROFESSOR X.
05:47 End of Episode 16 (9pm – 10pm, Day 6)
Here’s what we learned:
– President Wayne Palmer is crazy.
– Now that Gredenko’s dead, we actually quite miss him.
Season 6, Episode 17
05:48 The following events take place between 10pm and 11pm (Day 6)
Faced with a nuclear strike, the Middle Eastern Ambassador reveals the identity of General Habib, who has been working with Fayed.
Palmer calls off the missile – which it turns out was actually a bluff.
We knew we could trust Professor X all along.
CTU have launched a fake rescue mission within a mission to trick Fayed into taking them to the nukes.
Is this the silliest idea CTU has ever had? Stay tuned for the next six hours to find out.
Fayed has now genuinely escaped from his fake escape attempt. He is driving to the nukes – and Jack Bauer is holding onto the underside of the truck.
Correction: THIS is now the silliest idea CTU has ever had.
President Wayne Palmer/Professor X 2.0 has collapsed. He keeps requesting adrenaline shots to keep going.
If that’s his super power – getting injected with adrenaline – it’s frankly no wonder he’s not in the X-Men.
Fayed arrives at the nuclear hideout. Jack goes in and takes everyone out.
It’s about time – we were thinking this season of 24 had been surprisingly non-violent. After all, Jack’s only tortured five people so far.
Good news! The nukes have been dismantled and taken into custody.
Bad news! Jack just got a call… from Audrey. Who’s been taken hostage by Cheng. Yes, him again.
06:27 End of Episode 17 (10pm – 11pm, Day 6)
Here’s what we learned:
– Cheng holds the world’s longest grudge.
– 24 really is very, very silly.
Season 6, Episode 18
06:28 The following events take place between 11pm and 12am (Day 6)
Cheng’s proposal is simple: give them a circuit board from one of the Russian nukes and they’ll give Audrey back to Jack.
His first port of call? Yes, it’s Chloe.
Chloe hacks into Morris’ computer to downloaded updated schematics for the warheads. He finds out and confronts her – she tells him it’s for Jack and that the bomb component will never get into Chinese hands.
“How do you know that’s not going to happen?” he asks.
“Because Jack gave me his word.”
She’s either impressively loyal or impressively dumb. We can’t tell which.
Jack barges into the nuke storage facility.
“I have orders from the President to take a circuit board from one of the bombs,” he barks. They hesitate. “Are you counter-acting an order from the President? WHAT’S YOUR NAME?”
They comply immediately, no questions asked.
It’s a wonder the country’s security force manages to function at all.
CTU find out and automatically stop the possible exchange. Jack asks to make one call.
Who’s he gonna call?
You guessed it:
Palmer authorises Jack’s swap of the nuclear missile component with the Chinese for Audrey.
And then, during a press conference announcing the end of the crisis, has a stroke.
With Daniels now back in power – even after Palmer forced his future resignation – the whole mission has been cancelled.
No points for guessing what Jack is going to do…
07:02 End of Episode 18 (11pm – 12am, Day 6)
Here’s what we learned:
– Wayne Palmer is a muppet.
– Daniels is a douche.
– Jack is an idiot.
– We feel sorry for Chloe.
Season 6, Episode 19
07:04 The following events take place between 12am and 1am (Day 6)
After agreeing to commit to perjury, Daniels and Lisa… enjoy being in the oval office together.
If you catch our drift. Ahem.
Jack is now in position, ready to meet Cheng and – thanks to some niftily placed C4 – blow up the chip and himself, once Audrey is safe.
Don’t worry, folks: he gave everyone his word, remember?
Helen’s been given an ultimatum: either her or Bill has to goes. Naturally, she chooses Bill, leaving CTU to be run by Nadia until a replacement is officially appointed.
Audrey has been handed over to Jack. He apologises – then gets shot by Cheng when CTU raids the place.
The problem? Half of CTU’s team weren’t there on time, blowing Jack’s C4 plan and letting Cheng escape.
Well done, everyone. Great work.
07:46 End of Episode 19 (12am – 1am, Day 6)
Here’s what we learned:
– CTU messed up.
– Jack messed up.
– Doyle messed up.
– China now has top secret technology from Russia.
– The only happy person in 24 right now is Acting President Daniels. Ahem.
Season 6, Episode 20
07:47 The following events take place between 1am and 2am (Day 6)
Big surprise time!
Lisa, Daniels’ lover, is actually playing him so she can influence policy herself.
You mean she isn’t actually in love with this man?
Maybe not such a big surprise after all.
Actual big surprise time!
The Russians know that the Chinese have one of their chips. How? There’s only one explanation…
Jack Bauer is escorted into CTU and placed in a holding cell.
“Take care of Audrey,” he says, for at least the 10th time this season.
Remember that big surprise? And that not so big surprise?
Here’s another: they’re the same surprise.
Lisa Miller is in regular contact with a Russian agent. And by regular contact, we mean both political *and* sexual.
Audrey is back at CTU, but she’s catatonic.
A nasty man with needles says he can help, but Jack won’t let him – so he breaks out of his cell and interrogates herself. But this time, not with cigar cutters and fists, but with hugs and love.
The Jack Bauer Guide to Opening a Door:
“You’re cursed, Jack. Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead.”
That’s Audrey’s dad, James Heller, to Bauer, introducing the infamous 24 voodoo subplot that caused controversy back in 2007.
08:42 End of Episode 20 (1am – 2am, Day 6)
Here’s what we learned:
– Nobody puts Jack in a corner.
– Jack can single-handedly cure mental trauma.
– Lisa is one hell of a player.
– Jack is cursed. Apparently.
Season 6, Episode 21
08:42 The following events take place between 2am and 3am
“I know how Cheng thinks. Let me go after him,” Jack says to Nadia. “Please.”
Why does he keep thinking he can do this?
Out of nowhere, we’re suddenly back with Jack’s nephew, Josh, and Marilyn.
Gee, we wonder if they’re going to be in peril anytime soon.
Marilyn visits Jack and says they’re going to be released from CTU custody in the morning. Can Josh come by and visit? “That’ll be fun,” says Jack.
That’s almost definitely the first time in the history of 24 that anyone has used the word “fun”.
Doyle and the team move in on Bloomfield, the one word said by the catatonic Audrey.
Cheng and his team, meanwhile, plan their own assault.
“An assault on what?” says Nadia.
An attack on CTU and Bauer’s family still in the building? You can start playing join the dots now.
The assault is underway. Jack has killed four people in one minute. Not bad for someone who was until very recently a prisoner.
“Who’s in charge?” asks a Chinese mercenary.
Milo steps up before Nadia can. They promptly shoot him in the head. Poor Milo. Unrequited love can be cruel.
It turns out that the Bauer they’re after is Josh – not Jack. (And not Marilyn.)
Why? A quick phone call later and the answer is revealed…
PHILLIP BAUER’S BACK.
09:28 End of Episode 21 (2am – 3am, Day 6)
Here’s what we learned:
– Everything that has ever gone wrong in the history of the world is probably caused by the Bauer family.
Season 6, Episode 22
09:29 The following events take place between 3am and 4am
The Chinese army take Josh away to Phillip Bauer.
“I don’t want to go to my grandpa! I’m scared of him!”
“Your grandpa is a visionary,” they reply.
They got that right.
Jack Bauer intercepts the kidnapping of Josh, leaving poor old Phil with only his pig for company. No Josh? No deal, he tells the Chinese, saying he will no longer give them the component.
The family feud continues.
Meanwhile, Lisa has gone back to her Russian spy boyfriend to set a honey trap. One that, inevitably, results in lots of sex. And a violent outburst – from her.
Sound familiar? That’s because the same thing happened in Season 1, when an aide to President Palmer found out she was sleeping with an assassin and was sent back in – only to flip out and stab him to death. Her, Lisa goes bananas with a wine bottle.
24’s writers seem to think all women are unstable.
Phillip Bauer calls the Vice President to offer them the Russian chip in exchange for his nephew.
“He’s a sociopath,” advises Karen.
“She’s right. He is a sociopath,” adds Tom.
Daniels takes their advice on board and decides to go ahead anyway.
A character in 24 has a rare moment of self-awareness.
10:09 End of Episode 22 (3am – 4am, Day 6)
Here’s what we learned:
– Woman are hysterical and cannot be trusted. Especially when sex is involved.
– Phillip Bauer really loves his nephew
Season 6, Episode 23
10:10 The following events take place between 4am and 5am (Day 6)
Phillip Bauer orders Doyle to wait with Josh by the coast.
“When will someone come?” he asks.
“Whenever I’m damn well ready,” barks Phil.
It’s hardly subtle – but it’s a great contrast to the “within an hour” answers everyone else usually gives.
James Cromwell in general is a fantastic villain; the idea that the bad guy is genetically similar to Jack Bauer, a man who tortures everyone he meets, is genuinely menacing.
Bill Buchanan has turned up to help Jack Bauer get his nephew back!
A rogue agent helping a rogue agent go rogue? Is there a single character in 24 who hasn’t gone rogue?
In fact, at this point in time, everyone in the entire series has basically gone rogue – except for Jack and Bill, the only two men who are doing The Right Thing For America.
No one has been to the toilet all day.
Is there a single character’s bladder in 24 that hasn’t gone rogue?
“He’s gone rogue, Mr. President. In his pants.”
Doyle meets Phillip’s henchmen on the beach. He gives them Josh in an exchange for a component. But the component turns out to be fake – and explodes in his face.
Chloe is now getting blurred vision at her computer and starting to feel faint.
After six seasons of 24 in a row, we know exactly how she feels.
10:43 End of Episode 23 (4am – 5am, Day 6)
Here’s what we learned:
– Too much 24 can be hazardous for your health.
Season 6, Episode 24
10:43 The following events take place between 5am and 6am
The final episode of Season 6. Finally.
Chloe’s doctor examines her. Why is she feeling faint? “Probably exhaustion,” he points out. “She hasn’t slept in 24 hours.” 24 hours? TRY 108.
She hasn’t eaten anything either, he points out.
True. In fact, no one has all season. The only time in the last six seasons of 24 that we have seen anyone eat anything was back in Season 1.
(Given that none of them eat or sleep ever, our money’s on Chloe being pregnant.)
Jack hears that Josh is located on oil rig offshore with his father. He and Bill are ordered back to CTU for a de-brief, which they discuss while standing in front of a helicopter.
Ordered back to CTU? Needing to get to an offshore oil rig? Standing in front of a helicopter?
There are no points for guessing what happens next.
One word: rogue.
Bauer takes Bauer off to a boat round the back of an oil rig, while Bauer takes out the bad guys with a gun.
Then, Bauer finally catches up with them – to find that Bauer has drawn a gun on Bauer.
Will ickle Josh shoot his grandpa? Won’t somebody please think of the pigs?
“I love you!” says grandpa Bauer, only for Jack’s nephew to slug one in his chest. Jack convinces Josh to lower his gun.
“I know you’re scared and angry! I know exactly how you feel!” he shouts. You can tell he means it because he looks scared and angry.
This is deep, familial stuff.
“You don’t want the guilt of taking another man’s life haunting you!” he shouts.
Josh lowers the gun. Jack appears, for a moment, sympathetic once again. What a strange human being he is. It’s almost like he’s a completely fictional person.
He jumps on the helicopter as the oil platform explodes, leaving Phillip to die.
That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.
Jack jumped off Josh’s helicopter and has now swum away to visit Jack Heller – demanding to see his daughter, Audrey. At gunpoint, obviously.
He wants to start his own new life away from CTU.
“You can’t walk away from it,” warns Heller. “At some point you’re going to go back.”
Jack disagrees, still pointing the gun at his old boss.
He sees Audrey, promises a better life to her, then goes outside to stand on the beach, looking out at the sea.
The timer appears. But there is no countdown noise – only the gentle lapping of the waves on the shore.
11:38 End of Episode 24 / Season 6 (5am – 6am)
Here’s what we learned:
– Chloe is pregnant. (Toldya.)
– No one eats or drinks or sleeps or does anything normal humans do.
– Everyone goes rogue.
– Jack Bauer will never be a CTU agent ever again. Until next season.
11:44 Bauerthon Stats
The Bauerthon has now been going for 108 hours. We have slept more than the characters in 24.
The only time we have seen anyone eat anything is in Season 1.
In Season 6, Jack Bauer killed 26 people and tortured 5.
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