13 Steps to the Perfect Breaking Bad Party
Andrew Jones | On 12, Aug 2013
It’s Monday 12th August. You’ve called in sick to work, shirked the kids off on someone else, background check or no, and have the house to yourself in preparation – but don’t click Netflix UK to watch the final episodes of Breaking Bad just yet. We at VODzilla.co have a few pointers to make your Breaking Bad viewing experience even better.
Here are 12 steps to the perfect Breaking Bad party.
Close the windows and doors. Don’t let any light in or air out. Grab pieces of wood if possible and board up the household. For 47 minutes of the day, make sure not even the zombie apocalypse from AMC’s sister show The Walking Dead can interrupt the plight of Jesse and Walter.
2. Lights out
The light isn’t getting in from outside but there’s a big problem on the ceiling: what if your lights decide to flicker on during the show? This could distract you from Skinny Pete’s latest scheme. Purchase a baseball bat and take a few swings at the light. (We recommended that you do this with adult supervision, as some of the shards of glass can be quite dangerous.) Once you have smashed all the bits of bulb into tiny bits, you can pick up the glass – or just leave it there. Whichever makes you more comfortable.
3. Get food
Breaking Bad episodes run a long time, almost an entire hour, so you’ll need some snacks. In Albuquerque, your best bet is a whole heap of fried chicken, a large uncut pizza with dipping sticks or, if you’re an early morning watcher, take the Walt Jr. route with pancakes, waffles, cereal, eggs and bacon. Mmmm, Breakfast Bad.
4. Throw it on the roof
Food always tastes better once you’ve thrown it on the roof. Especially pizza.
5. Don’t feel blue
Man, that food has stuffed you good. How can you find your appetite again? What about that shady guy hovering outside? Take down some of your wooden panels, pass him £50 and go back in. Wait five minutes. A bag of crystal blue will pop through the slats – just like in the show! Now take out your pipe and lighter and enjoy. Or to be even more like the show, cook your own. Om nom nom.
6. Remove unwanted guests
That shady guy’s come in demanding more money. He thinks he can give you trouble? Well, you best show him that you are the danger. Take him down to the basement, grab a bike lock and give him a good choking.
7. Remove unwanted guests… permanently
Now there’s a body on the floor. Great. Breaking Bad is still waiting for you on Netflix UK. Can you really waste precious streaming time getting rid of the evidence? Don’t worry: it’ll take no time at all if you have a ton of hydrochloric acid and a bath to hand – although we would recommend getting a plastic barrel because the porcelain does not take kindly to acid, but hey, it’s your ceiling. Make sure the shady guy’s body is all the way in the tub and the fumes coming out are manageable. Maybe even crack out some more of that sweet stuff while you wait.
The crystal’s starting to take effect now. Good, you’re almost ready to watch Breaking Bad. But my goodness, what’s that noise outside? Take a few of those panels back off again. Crud, the police just called out for the shady guy. He’s an undercover cop. They’re on to you. Quick! Grab the evidence and get out of there.
You’re feeling pretty lethargic now. Man, screw running. Just click play and see how it opens; even if the police smash the walls down, at least you can feel good knowing where Walter starts this next episode.
Kick and scream as the police drag you away from the TV. The good news is that they’ll probably want to sit and watch the episode with you – otherwise, they’d have to wait until their shift is over. And who doesn’t want to be paid while watching Breaking Bad?
Almost 50 minutes later and “Executive Producer Vince Gilligan” appears on the screen. The cops are flabbergasted and you are flummoxed. What an episode – and where will it go next week? What is left for the Whites, the Schraders, the Pinkmanses and Skinny Pete & Badger? While the police sit discussing the meaning of some of the shots, lean against the wooden board behind you and scratch the handcuffs with a nail sticking out.
You’re free from shackles and the police are wondering if Saul Goodman is still funny or starting to seem sinister. This is a good time to crawl along the floor, out of sight. Once across the room, head out the door and leg it.
Find a place to lie low for a while; the cops usually only search for fugitives for six days, so come next Monday. It’s all perfectly fine to repeat the process and truly get the most out of your Breaking Bad viewing party.
Breaking Bad Season 5 Part 2 begins to air each week on Netflix UK from Monday 12th August – and every Monday after that.