James R | On 12, Jul 2014

Director: Adam Shankman
Cast: Diego Boneta, Julianne Hough, Tom Cruise, Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Malin Akerman
Certificate: 12
Watch Rock of Ages online in the UK: Amazon Prime / Apple TV (iTunes) / Prime Video (Buy/Rent) / TalkTalk TV / Google Play

A review of Rock of Ages, to be sung to the tune of Don’t Stop Believin’:

Sherrie’s (Hough) a small town girl
Livin’ in a lonely world
She took the midnight bus goin’ to L.A.
 

Met a city boy (Boley)
Discovered that they both enjoy
Miming to 80s songs almost anywhere

On buses or in smoky rooms
Looking for any excuse
Like Mamma Mia with rock tunes
– it goes on and on and on and on…

People waiting
Up and down the cinema
For shadows of a plot they can like.
Adam Shankman
Has lost his Hairspray golden touch
Can’t tell what’s ironic or trite.

A cash-grab of a musical
More Hollywood than rebel thrills
Warner Bros spend anything to milk one more dime.
Some parts are wins, others lose
Thank God that there’s singing Tom Cruise
His topless douche does amuse
With his dragon dong and dong and dong.

Alec Baldwin
And Malin Akerman
Steal the show with Russell Brand’s crap Brum.
The scenes, lights, costumes
Look good, but it’s all too clean
Less edgy glam rock and more glee.

So stop believin’
You’ll only be feeling
Delight for half of the night.

No point deceiving
The good bits are all fleeting
It’s only fun when Tom’s in sight.

(Repeat to fade)

 

And that’s what Rock of Ages is: a piece of underwhelming writing forced to fit rock lyrics until it has no meaning.

 

Rock of Ages is available to watch online on Amazon Prime Video as part of a Prime membership or a £5.99 monthly subscription.

 

Where can I buy or rent Rock of Ages online in the UK?

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