David Farnor | On 30, Apr 2014

Two weeks ago, we embarked upon a dangerous mission: to watch all of 24 in one go and catch up on the series’ escapades before it returns for Live Another Day on Wednesday 7th May.

After all, 24 is the show that virtually invented the concept of binge-viewing, so what better way to celebrate that in a time when binge-viewing has become mainstream than by returning to the one that started it all? 8 days of 24 in 6 days? We named it Bauerthon and started live blogging immediately.

With 8 days to go until the new season actually arrives, we bring the edited highlights of the event – so you can remind yourself of what’s happened to Jack over the years without having to go through what we did.

This is Bauerthon, aka. the longest day of our life.

Bauerthon: A Season 1 recap.

Season 1, Episode 1

00:06
And here we go…

00:08
Hour 1. Day 1. There is already so much split-screen.

00:11
We have now met Jack’s wife and daughter, Kimberly Bauer.

Kimberly’s laptop is bigger than our TV.

00:12
Jack Bauer gets called from his home into the office, just after his daughter has snuck out.

“I should be back within an hour,” Jack tells his wife.

We bet that’s not the last time he says that.

00:19
Something big’s going down at CTU. There may be a hit on the first black Presidential candidate, David Palmer.

A black US President? Like that would ever happen.

00:24
Kimberley Bauer and her friend are partying with some dudes in an empty furniture store. Those cool kids in 2001 sure knew how to have a good time.

00:29
It’s ok, everyone. Basil Exposition has arrived.

And he has one heck of a moustache.

00:31
00:38. We have our first countdown timer.

Imagine the excitement that timer caused when it first happened all those years ago. Genuinely revolutionary stuff. You know, in the world of countdown timers used in American TV shows.

00:37
Ladies and gentlemen, the first black candidate for the US Presidency.

00:45
Jack Bauer just used his government contacts to get the password for his daughter’s computer so he can spy on her now that she’s disappeared. On the one hand, this is terrible parenting and breaks a whole heap of moral, ethical and legal codes.

On the other hand, he’s played by Kiefer Sutherland.

Conflicted.

00:48
There’s a man on a plane flying into California who’s going to take photographs of Presidential Candidate Palmer. He is definitely a bad guy.

He sleeps with a ditzy woman sitting next to him on the flight… only for her to steal his wallet and ID and then BAM – it turns out she’s the bad guy after all. Well played, 24. Well played.

00:50
CTU is running around trying to work out what’s going on. Everyone looks so young in 24 Season 1. It’s like watching Saved by the Bell: The Counter-Terrorist years.

00:53 End of Episode 1
So that’s the first hour down. Here’s what we’ve learned:

– Jack Bauer is not a good father.
– Kim Bauer has a giant laptop.
– Kim likes to tell people her father is dead. For reasons.
– Jack and Nina at CTU have slept together.
– Nina and Tony Almeida at CTU have slept together.
– There is almost no one at CTU who has not slept with somebody else there. This is probably part of national security protocol.
– George Mason (a CTU senior type) is a douche.
– David Palmer does a very good impression of a horny bear.
– Never trust women on airplanes.

23 hours to go.

Season 1, Episode 2

00:57
The following takes place between 1am and 2am.

00:58
CTU are scrambling to get passenger lists and any other information on the flight that went down over the Mojave Desert.

“I’ll get you that list within the hour,” says Tony.

We bet that’s not the last time he says that.

01:08
“I know it seems like we’re bad guys, but we’re not. We’re cool, I swear.”

Says the teenage boy who just kidnapped Jack Bauer’s daughter and has drugged her friend into unconsciousness.

And you thought the furniture store was a rubbish night out.

01:12
David Palmer keeps receiving calls from a journalist accusing him of a shady backstory involving his son.

Imagine the crap he’d be getting if his surname was Obama.

01:21
24 Fact: The part of Tony Almeida is played by a 12 year old.

01:28
Senator Palmer’s son just came back from a Green Day concert. Remember Green Day? They used to be a thing back in 2001.

01:32
Jack Bauer goes to help Basil Exposition, who has been shot. Within minutes he is shot again. Who will give us exposition about the mole in CTU now? And, more importantly, will they have a good moustache?

01:34

Jack Bauer: Worst. Catch. Ever.

01:38
First shock of the season!

Nina Meyers is the owner of the computer that made the encrypted key card. Is she involved in the threat on David Palmer’s life? And, more importantly, does that mean she and Tony won’t have sex again?

01:43 End of Episode 2
Hour number 2 done. Here’s what we’ve learned:

– Jack Bauer can use government contacts to get into any code-locked door in America. Which must be great for when he forgets the combination for his briefcase.
– Jack Bauer cannot catch.
– Jack’s wife, Teri, has teamed up with Janet’s father, Alan, to find their daughters.
– The woman from the plane has a partner who is causing trouble with the men who want that photographer’s ID. Her partner is also a lady. *insert sexy emoticon*
– Green Day are still together, according to Wikipedia.

Season 1, Episode 3 & 4

01:44
The following takes place between 2am and 3am.

01:58
Lots of meaningful glances in this episode of 24. Nina. Jack. Tony. Jamey the hacker. All of them glancing meaningfully at each other.

01:58
STARING CONTEST.

02:03
“Were you and Nina seeing each other?” CTU computer nerd Jamey asks Jack.

“That’s none of your business,” he replies.

“I think in this case it is,” she says.

“Ok.”

It’s a good job Jack Bauer isn’t a secret agent or anything. He’s not very secretive.

02:07
David Palmer meets up with his dodgy lawyer in a car park. You know, as Presidential candidates tend to do.

“I’ll you call within an hour,” says his lawyer.

We bet that’s not the last time he says that.

02:09
Two hours later, Kim and her friend Janet are finally trying to escape their kidnappers. This mostly involves running in a helpless fashion.

Run, Kim, run!

02:39
“It is possible that Jack’s not the shining knight you think he is,” George Mason warns Nina.

Oh come on, George. It’s not like he’s tortured anyone, drugged a superior or used security services to spy on his daughter. Oh.

02:55
“You’re spending a lot of time behind closed doors, David…” says his wife, Sherry. We’ve decided we don’t trust her. After all, he *does* do a really good bear impression.

02:55
“You’ve got to get your lawyers onto this right away,” David Palmer’s wife warns him about the journalist’s threats to uncover his son’s possible murder.

Right away? This is the problem with setting realistic action thrillers in real-time. It’s currently 3am.

03:01
Jack’s wife and Janet’s dad get help from a homeless person, who tells them they saw a girl get hit by a car within the last hour. Good old homeless people.

03:04
George Mason has now taken over CTU to try and find Jack Bauer, who they believe could be a rogue agent.

“What’s so special about Jack Bauer anyway?” he asks Nina. EVERYTHING, GEORGE. EVERYTHING.

03:06
Kimberley Bauer: Strong Female Character

03:11 End of Episode 4
Two hours flew by then – this not-quite-real-time lark is surprisingly effective.

Here’s what we’ve learned:
– Homeless people are great.
– Policewomen who help Jack Bauer always get shot.
– George Mason is an idiot.
– Kim’s kidnappers are employed by the same people trying to kill David Palmer.
– Kim Bauer spends a lot of time in peril.
– We trust Jamey. We don’t trust Nina.

Season 1, Episode 5

03:11
The following events take place between 4am and 5am.

03:23
Jack Bauer finally convinces the LAPD to let him near the guy who shot the lovely policewoman – and then George Mason turns up and interrupts.

*shakes fist angrily* Mason!

03:36
Jack Bauer goes crazy and tries to assault the prisoner rather than question him. OR DOES HE?

It turns out that it’s all just a plot to slip an access card to the guy, helping him to escape from jail so he can receive a phone call from another bad guy, which will keep Kim alive.

Not so bad Bauer, after all. Except, you know, for the whole breaking a murderer out of prison for his own personal concerns thing. This is only Season 1 and Kiefer Sutherland’s hero is already several shades of grey…

03:46
Palmer confronts his son about the accusations of him murdering a boy who raped his sister – and gets angry.

Dennis Haysbert really is quite brilliant as the senator – he could easily be a two-dimensional MacGuffin, but Haysbert gives him some depth and, more importantly, flaws.

It goes without saying that Kevin Spacey would eat him for breakfast.

03:49
“You’re having quite a night, aren’t you, Jack?”

George Mason wins the award for Understatement of the Day.

03:56 End of Episode 5
Janet begins to flatline in hospital after being hit with a car – possibly the cheapest cliffhanger of the series so far. Either that, or it’s clever for focusing on a minor character rather than a big stand-off with a gun.

Whichever you plump for, here’s what we’ve learned:
– Tony is still being petty and jealous of Nina and Jack.
– No politician is perfect.
– George Mason is a muppet.

Season 1, Episode 6

03:56
The following events take place between 5am and 6am

04:09
David Palmer discovers that his wife has been keeping secrets from him all along, contacting his lawyer behind his back to hide the murder from him. TOLD YOU SHE WASN’T TO BE TRUSTED.

“Nothing I say to you will make a difference,” she says, before going on to say lots of things.

04:13
“I spent every day trying to get away from my mother. Now I can’t stop wishing she were here,” smiles Kim, flirting with the boy who helped to kidnap her. Because now that bad guy Gaines has killed the other teenage boy, the obvious thing to do is flirt.

You don’t see Gaines flirting. He’s way too menacing for that.

04:16
“You’re saying that our daughter is missing and that’s got something to do with an assassination attempt on Palmer?” cries Teri as Jack joins her and Janet’s dad at the hospital.

“They must know that I’m assigned to protect Palmer,” he nods.

Well, when you put it like that, the whole thing does sound a little ridiculous.

04:21
“I try to keep a wall between my work and family and now the wall is coming down…” mumbles Kiefer Sutherland, all tears and emoting. It’s surprising just how well that emoting makes you forget how silly it all is – the same trick Homeland keeps pulling 13 years later.

24 could do with more beards.

04:28
David Palmer’s Chief of Staff, Mike, is now involved in the debacle. You can tell he’s important because he wears glasses.

(Fact: Jude Ciccolella’s Mike has appeared in 24 more than any other supporting character, starring in 58 episodes.)

04:33
Third major surprise of the season!

Janet’s dad… is not Janet’s dad.

04:34
“If you hurt my daughter, I will kill you,” growls Kiefer Sutherland at Gaines, who blackmails Jack into betraying CTU.

Did 24 help to pave the way for Liam Neeson’s action career? And, more importantly, who would win in a fight between Neeson and Sutherland?

04:38
Janet’s dad has killed Janet, unbeknownst to Teri – or Jack – Bauer.

“I can take you to this random address I made up after killing my daughter so that you don’t talk to your husband,” says Janet’s non-dad.

“Ok,” says Teri.

No, Teri. It’s not Ok.

04:40 End of Episode 6
Here’s what we’ve learned:

– Janet’s dad is not Janet’s dad.
– Alan York (Janet’s actual dead) has been found dead in a car boot.
– Kim Bauer is useless at helping to dig a grave for one of her former kidnappers. But she is good at flirting with the other one.
– Teri Bauer will believe anything you tell her.
– Jack’s hair is very well groomed from behind.

Season 1, Episode 7

04:43
The following events take place between 6am and 7am.

04:53
Infiltrating CTU under Gaines’ orders, Jack finds himself questioned by a suspicious Nina. Why hasn’t he been answering calls for 30 minutes?

“My cell phone battery died,” he lies.

Of course he’s lying – that NEVER happens in 24. Ever. Their mobile phone batteries run on the power of sheer disbelief. Also, magic.

05:04
When villain catchphrases go wrong.

05:24
Yes! Go Teri! After discovering non-Alan is non-Alan, she manages to knock him out with a rock and escape!

Only to end up captured by more villainous henchman.

Yeah. Go Teri. Good job.

05:33 End of Episode 7
Here’s what we’ve learned:

– All of Jack’s women are now damsels in distress.
– Gaines acts like he’s from Die Hard. He’s not. He is, however, The Gentleman who appears at the end of The Amazing Spider-Man.
– In 24, cell phone batteries never die.

Season 1, Episode 8

05:35
The following events take place between 7am and 8am.

05:35
“If your husband follows instructions, you’ll be released within the hour,” Gaines tells Teri.

We bet that’s not the last time he says that.

05:36 Number of times people have said “within the hour”: 4.

06:39 We know how you feel.

06:47
“I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared…” says Jack.

There’s balancing patriotic duty and a father’s love for dramatic tension. Then there’s stretching something out for nine hours. 24 is a master at doing both.

06:52
Fourth major surprise of the season!

Jamey is the mole inside CTU – and she just killed herself after Nina and Tony threatened to bring in her son.

The moral of the story? Trust no one.

Also, perhaps more importantly, the writers aren’t afraid to kill off any character, even the semi-major supporting ones.

06:56 End of Episode 9.

What we’ve learned:
– No one is trustworthy.
– No one is safe.
– People continue to say “within the hour” within every hour.
– 24 had a decent fake blood budget.
– Palmer’s wife Sherry stopped a journalist running a news story about their son’s murder allegation. She is scarily powerful, especially when wearing bath robes.
– Female women Kim and Teri are still in peril.
– This is the longest day of Jack’s life.

Season 1, Episode 10

06:56
The following events take place between 9am and 10am.

07:07
Tony spots an email that Jamey forgot to delete from her CTU computer.

Because that’s the kind of person who can infiltrate a national counter-terrorist task force: the kind of person who doesn’t delete their emails.

That’s enough to make you feel safe. You know, that and the fact that secret agents have no qualms about using their position to access passwords for their daughters’ computers. (We still haven’t gotten over that.)

07:16
Jack Bauer has a very particular set of skills…

Seriously, the parallels between 24 and Taken are really quite striking.

07:19
“If things continue to go wrong, the money isn’t all you lose.”

Finally, we meet big bad, Mr. Grayson. We can tell he’s a bad guy because he wears glasses, drinks, is flying into the US on a private jet and is one of the few people able to scare Gaines. Also, he said “it’s personal”.

07:25
Alberta Green is the new Acting Director of CTU. Task number one: find Jack Bauer.

“Things have been out of control today,” she tells the team. “As of now, they are back in control.”

Someone clearly hasn’t told her there are another 14 episodes to go.

07:28
“Nobody so much as yawns until we accomplish our objective,” continues Alberta.

She really hasn’t been watching 24 at all. We haven’t seen anyone yawn yet. Not once.

07:34
Teri: “You father is the best man I’ve ever known. But he can be… difficult.”

Kim: “I just want us to be together again.”

That’s confirmed, then: Jack is great and his two closest female characters, now kidnapped together by Gaines’ men, are defined by Jack’s existence.

07:37 End of Episode 10
What we’ve learned:

– Sherry “can’t promise David anything”.
– Nobody yawns.
– Jack Bauer is the best man in the history of men.
– Liam Neeson is basically an older Kiefer Sutherland.

Season 1, Episode 11

07:37
The following takes place between 10am and 11am.

07:40
Jack Bauer continues to go rogue and has managed to kidnap a suspect businessman called Ted by pretending to be his limo driver.

“Since my wife and daughter were taken, you tell me one thing I could have done differently!” he yells at Nina.

Do you want us to start from the beginning, Jack?

07:56
It has been almost 12 hours.

So far, no one has gone to the toilet. No one has eaten anything. No one has changed their clothes. No one has yawned. No one has had their hair move out of position.

Lots of people, though, have promised to do things “within an hour”.

08:01
“What kind of man are you?” asks Ted, trapped in his car.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” says Jack, clearly wanting to hurt him.

08:15
David is talking with his dodgy lawyer Carl again, who is warning him about the clout of his campaign backers, who don’t want him to fail.

“I never worked for you. You and I always worked for them,” says Carl.

We love Carl. He’s like Frank Underwood, before Frank Underwood existed.

08:18 End of Episode 11
What we’ve learned:

– Nice businessman Ted is actually nasty businessman Ted. We know this because he speaks Serbian.
– Serbian people are bad.
– David Palmer needs to wake up and smell the ribs cooking in Washington. He’s got nothing on Francis Underwood.
– No one in 24 ever goes to the toilet.
– This is still the longest day of Jack’s life. And ours.

Season 1, Episode 12

08:50
“I didn’t feel anything. I’m just happy he’s dead,” says Kim, after killing a henchman to help them escape from their prison. Her mum looks understandably concerned.

This is what happens to your moral compass when you don’t go to the toilet or eat for 11 hours.

09:05
JACK’S BACK, EVERYONE. JACK’S BACK.

Jack has found his way to Gaines’ compound and broken into his family’s locked barn/abandoned building/prison cell. He and Teri are kissing. And he and Kim are hugging. And everything’s ok and happy again. Hooray for Jack.

That’s the end of the season, right?

09:08
The pacing of 24 Season 1 is really quite impressive: the first half gets Jack’s personal life sorted, so the second half can focus on saving Palmer from being killed. And, of course, inserting enough mini-cliffhangers to stop you pausing to think about how silly it all is.

There’s even a massive shootout to end the episode – a definite climax to mark midday.

09:19 End of Episode 12 – Halfway through Season 1
We’re at the halfway point! A frankly astonishing amount has happened in the last 12 hours. Almost an unbelievable amount, in fact.

This is what 24 has managed to achieve in half a day:

Jack Bauer’s daughter and wife were kidnapped by two teenage boys who turned out to be employed by a bad man called Gaines. Gaines is working for other bad men who want to assassinate US presidential candidate David Palmer – and frame Jack Bauer for doing so. David Palmer is aware of this, but more concerned about his son, Keith, who was involved in the accidental death of the boy who raped his sister, which David was not told about until today. Under pressure from campaign backers, he and his scheming wife, Sherry, talk to their dodgy lawyer Carl, who is silencing those who know about the Palmer’s past – specifically, Dr. Ferragamo, Keith’s former therapist. Meanwhile, Jack is on the run after being declared a fugitive by CTU when he helped a murderer (a lead in his investigation) break out of prison and then, blackmailed with the threat of killing his wife and daughter, helped assist the presidential assassins at a public breakfast event (held to announce the full story about David’s son). Jack’s daughter, Kim, is in love with one of the boys who kidnapped them, called Rick. And at CTU, Nina – Jack’s old flame – has been covering Bauer’s whereabouts from their suspicious new acting director and Tony, Nina’s current flame, has been covering for both her and Jack.

Nobody has gone to the toilet.

We, on the other hand, have taken the best part of 12 hours to send an email and eat a sandwich. We have been to the toilet three times.

Season 1, Episode 13

09:35
The following takes place between 12pm and 1pm.

09:36
“You want to talk about us? We’ll talk about it later,” Tony says to Nina, slightly missing the point of the whole series. Bless him, he is only 12 after all.

09:54
STOP EVERYTHING: People in 24 are actually eating and drinking.

This is the only time this happens in all eight seasons of the show.

10:11 End of Episode 13
What we’ve learned:

– David Palmer is really naive about politics.
– Jack Bauer is good at shooting people.
– Food exists in the world of 24.
– Ever since Die Hard, showdowns with bad guys are always better with Walkie-Talkies.

Season 1, Episode 14

10:11
The following takes place between 1pm and 2pm.

10:24
As Teri and Kim recover from their kidnapping in hospital, Nina wanders through the corridors looking suspiciously at everyone in uniform. FBI, secret service, CTU. WIth all the sinister music going on too, you half expect it turn into an episode of Darkplace.

10:28
Back at CTU, the mean bosses won’t reinstate Bauer after his reckless shenanigans.

“Didn’t you explain why you did it?” asks an incredulous Nina.

We’re not entirely sure that’s how the law works. After all the unauthorised shooting, kidnapping and traitoring he’s done in the last 13 hours, it’s a wonder they ever reinstate him in this season. Let alone seven more times.

10:31
After the death of all the bad guys in the first half of the season, we have a new bad guy!

Meet Alexis Drazen. He wears sunglasses when he shoots people. And a leather jacket. And gloves. Pwhoar.

10:40
“I know about Dr. Ferragamo…”

We’re not sure why, but whenever David Palmer’s son says that name, it’s hilarious.

10:41
And suddenly, after 13 episodes, we’re introduced to Elizabeth, one of Palmer’s campaign assistants who we’ve never met before. Within one minute of screen time she has sexy times with Alexis.

He isn’t wearing the sunglasses. Or the gloves.

Meanwhile, Palmer has arrived at CTU to meet Jack Bauer.

10:56 End of Episode 14
What we’ve learned:

– Nina is acting suspiciously.
– Dr. Ferragamo is a funny name.
– Sunglasses make everyone look cooler.
– Palmer can walk straight into CTU and surprise everyone. Which is reassuring for national security.

Season 1, Episode 15

10:56
The following takes place between 2pm and 3pm.

10:58
“I want to see my family. NOW!” shouts Kiefer Sutherland at everyone in CTU, who are keeping him detained on account of his being an unstable gun-wielding madman.

He is acting. He likes to shout when he is acting.

Theory: Does everyone have to ham it up in order to make the most of their screen time because of the fast-paced nature of the show?

11:05
Palmer and Bauer are now meeting for the first time. The topic of conversation? Operation Nightfall in Kosovo (pronounced “coe-soe-voe”). It turns out Bauer took out Victor Drazen and his inner ring there years ago. That’s what’s going down now: revenge for Palmer’s illegal assassinations overseas.

Needless to say, both men are shouting.

11:15
“Mum, you’re pregnant?” says Kim. “When are you going tell dad?”

“Now,” says Teri.

This can only end well.

11:31
Teri and Kim have a heart-to-heart mid-debrief – a rare moment for both actresses to really show their stuff. The fact that it’s on camera in the middle of a confidential discussion makes it both even sillier and yet somehow even more sincere.

11:32
24 is king of what we like to call “Literal Dialogue”

11:37 End of Episode 15
Here’s what we learned:

– Teri and Nina are very good at being awkward.
– Kiefer Sutherland is very good at acting/shouting.
– Palmer was illegally ordering killings overseas way before it was cool.
– Everyone has a floppy mobile phone. They were all the rage in 2001.

Season 1, Episode 16

11:37
The following events take place between 3pm and 4pm

11:40
Teri is lying down and staring sadly into the distance. She seems to like doing that.

11:48
Nina is definitely not the right person to be debriefing Jack Bauer’s family. For one thing, she’s a Hobbit.

11:56
David Palmer and his son, Keith, just had an intense debate about feelings. The name “Dr. Ferragamo” was mentioned at least 10 times in 2 minutes.

12:06
And, inevitably, Teri and Kim – relocated by CTU to a safe house for their protection – are in danger again, as an assassin arrives. Those women, they just keep needing to be rescued!

12:07
Teri and Kim are now in a car chase with their assassin, who looks suspiciously like Ed Miliband.

If anything, this only makes it scarier.

12:10
This new wave of bad guys really isn’t as good as the first lot of bad guys – you get the feeling the second half of Season 1 is stretching for things to fill out the 18-hour runtime. It’s still entertaining, but it’s not as gripping.

Maybe Live Another Day’s shorter, 12-hour length could be a good thing?

12:25
The car chase culminates in a crash. Separated from Kim, Teri wanders through the streets looking sad and disheveled. A passer-by stops. “Are you ok? What’s your name?”

Teri looks up: “I don’t remember.”

If you have Amnesia on your Plot Cliche Bingo Card, congratulations!

2:27 End of Episode 16
Here’s what we learned:

– The thought of Ed Miliband with a gun is terrifying.
– David Palmer’s assistant has now found out about her lover, Alexis. She is so dedicated to her that she’s willing to have sexy times with him for the good of the country, dammit.
– There can never be enough peril for Kim and Teri.
– Palmer’s evil lawyer Carl is definitely one of the show’s best characters.
– If in doubt, amnesia.

Season 1, Episode 17

12:27
The following events take place between 4pm and 5pm.

12:37
Jack Bauer’s hair has changed since the start of Season 1. Where did he find the time to do that?

12:41
Teri may not remember what’s going on, but Kim does. The first person she calls? The kidnapping boy from earlier. Unfortunately, it turns out he’s already got another woman on the go. Just in case you hadn’t already guessed he was a massive douche.

Poor Kim.

12:52
Keith has met up with Carl on his own – and taped their conversation to prove that Carl is a dodgy moo.

Elizabeth and Alexis are now in a hotel room and she has to do that classic trick of putting a tracking bug in the nasty man’s wallet. While Jack and Nina watch.

Amazingly, despite the sunglasses, the silly names, the leather gloves, Jack’s changing hair, it’s nailbitingly tense – as good as Homeland in its prime.

And then Elizabeth goes crazy and kills the guy with a knife.

Note: This is not the first time this happens in 24.

13:20 End of Episode 17
Here’s what we learned:

– Never trust a woman with a knife in a hotel room.
– Never trust a man who kidnaps you with his mate for money.
– Never trust a dirty lawyer to keep your secrets (and always take a tape recorder to prove it).
– Never trust Kiefer Sutherland’s hairdresser when the camera’s not looking.

Season 1, Episode 18

13:21
The following events take place between 5pm and 6pm

13:26
Hats off to Palmer’s son, Keith. After recording Carl threatening to blackmail him with fake evidence convicting him of the murder (of Dr. Ferragamo), he’s gone from slightly whiney wet blanket to active agent for morality. Even “Dr. Ferragamo” seems less funny now. And to top it off, the guy who plays him is called “Vicellous Shannon”. What a name.

13:31
“I would do anything to protect my family.”

That’s the sound of Sherry Palmer revealing her true colours. We’ve never trusted her, but now it turns out that she’s deceiving everyone, including hubby Dave. Finally, he’s realised – and he’s called a press conference. Who knows what he’s going to say?

13:37
Kim’s attempting to rival Keith in the young-people-becoming-sympathetic stakes. It almost works – visiting Rick’s house, she clashes with his other woman with a pathetic awkwardness – but then just as the romantic sparks start flying, along comes the brother of his dead mate, who won’t let Kim leave the home until everything’s sorted.

Peril yet again? Good going, Kim.

13:48
Meanwhile, Jack’s pretending to be Alexis so he can meet up with a target – while another agent with revenge on the brain (revenge should probably be added to the 24 Plot Cliche Bingo Card) threatens to shoot him. Another classic 24 set piece that, again, recalls Homeland for fast-paced, daft suspense.

13:52 End of Episode 18
Heres what we’ve learned:

– Kim is unable to go anywhere without someone threatening her life.
– Sherry Palmer is an evil so and so.
– Kiefer Sutherland’s acting (shouting) in public is even louder than his shouting in private.
– Guns are bad, people.

13:52
The following events take place between 6pm and 7pm

Season 1, Episode 19

14:00
Watching Teri wander around not remembering things isn’t getting any more exciting – but it’s certainly getting creepy, as her old lover (and doctor) helps her to remember her past. The creepy bit? Where he tries to convince her she was happier with him than with old people-shooting, angry-shouting, daughter’s-password-stealing Jack.

Hmmm, maybe he has a point.

14:53
Oh, Kim. Kimmy Kim Kim. Out of the frying pan and into the botched drug deal. Surrounded by bearded men and coke, she and Rick are stuck in a living room with guns pointed at them. A Mexican stand-off later and suddenly up pop more people with guns – cops. Of course! The drug dealers Rick was meeting were undercover policemen all along!

14:55
Just when you think you’re sick of Teri and her amnesia, along comes Ed Miliband to make things fun again! The bad news? His definition of fun involves killing her. The good news? Just as that’s about to happen, another man turns up – Tony! And he has a gun too! How convenient.

These subplots are starting to feel a lot like padding.

14:56 End of Episode 19
Here’s what we learned:

– Presidential candidate Palmer sure knows how to deliver a speech.
– “I misjudged my campaign backers, but more importantly, they misjudged me.” Boom.
– There’s always another guy with a gun.

14:57
The following events take place between 7pm and 8pm

Season 1, Episode 20

15:00
Just when you think Kim’s story can’t get any more annoying, she gets arrested by the undercover cops and spends half this episode trying to tell them she’s innocent.

“I’m Jack Bauer’s daughter,” she announces to no one in particular, reminding us that that’s what her character is: Jack’s daughter. There’s nothing more to her than that.

15:02
Why are terrorists planning to cut the power to a field in the middle of nowhere? Three words: secret government prison.

That should probably be on the 24 Plot Cliche Bingo Card too.

15:08
This secret prison, it turns out, will transfer a prisoner tonight, during which terrorists plan to kill the juice and nab him for themselves. The identity of that prisoner…?

Victor Drazen. Or, to put it another way, the guy that Jack thought he killed in Serbia (along with his wife and daughter) years ago. Or, to put it another way: DENNIS HOPPER.

15:10
Dennis Hopper’s Serbian accent is… interesting.

15:20 End of Episode 20
Here’s what we learned:

– Kim is becoming an increasingly shallow character
– Dennis Hopper should only speak in a Serbian accent from now on

15:20
The following events take place between 8pm and 9pm

Season 1, Episode 21

15:32
“AS YEW HEARRRRR, HE IS ALIIIIVE.”

Yes, Dennis Hopper is still doing his accent. He’s now got Jack Bauer hostage and demanding to negotiate. Presuming anyone can understand him, that is.

15:45
We have been watching 24 for almost 16 hours in a row.

We have no idea what time it is any more.

No one has been to the toilet.

15:57
George Mason sends in a task force to capture Victor, regardless of Bauer. Needless to say, they all die. The Drazens then escape through a sewer. A bit like Shawshank. But with Dennis Hopper playing Morgan Freeman. If Morgan Freeman had a dreadful Serbian accent.

16:00
Meanwhile, David Palmer wins the California primary thanks to his public announcement of his son’s accidental involvement in his sister’s rapist’s death – read any of this back in daylight and you realise how silly it all is.

Even better, he tells Sherry that she’s evil. Her response? “When you’re elected, I *will* be standing next to you.” Sherry doesn’t do apologies. She’s too evil for that.

16:02
Just as Kim gets out of prison, thanks to the help of Melanie (Rick’s other woman), she rings her mum, who – thank goodness – helps her.

“I love you mum!” cries Kim. “I’ll see you in 15 minutes…”

2 minutes later, Kim’s taxi is stopped by men in masks. They kidnap her again.

WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?

16:05 End of Episode 21
Here’s what we learned:

– President Elect Palmer has chemistry with his assistant, Patty.
– Dennis Hopper’s Serbian accent does not get better with practice.
– Kim’s character arc is even more embarrassing than Dennis Hopper’s Serbian accent.

Season 1, Episode 22

16:06
The following events take place between 9pm and 10pm

16:09
“Jack’s in trouble. We need your help.”

That’s Nina to David Palmer, because that’s how spies get things done in 24: they go running to their favourite Presidential candidate.

He, meanwhile, is going running to his favourite campaign worker. If you know what we mean. Ahem.

16:10
“What do they want?” asks a panicked Teri, when she hears Bauer has been kidnapped.

“It’s hard to say,” says Nina.

Not as hard as it is for Dennis Hopper to say.

16:33
Alexis for Jack. That’s the trade George Mason’s going for now. Jack, walking on two feet. Alexis, pushed along on a hospital bed with an oxgen tank nearby.

Is this finally freedom for Jack?

16:34 End of Episode 22
Here’s what we learned:

– Jack Bauer and Ellen Degeneres are the same person.
– Like an endangered zoo animal, Kim has spent approximately 99.9% of her life in captivity.

Season 1, Episode 23

16:35
The following events take place between 10pm and 11pm

Sherry just walked in on David and Patty talking in private. What’s the table in this hotel room made of? Oh, AWK-WOOD.

http://badumtish.com/

16:56
Patty and Palmer sitting in a tree… F.I.R.I.N.G.

Well, that almost works. The point is that’s what happened: Palmer dismissed Patty’s flirtatious ass. Why? Because Sherry was using her to spy on him. Why? Because she’s a disgraced, manipulative iddy biddy super skank.

“You need me, David!” she declares triumphantly.

You know she crazy.

16:59
Jack is released by Victor with one order: go to see Palmer. And kill him. Then he’ll get his daughter back.

You remember his daughter? You know, the one who’s always being kidnapped?

You’d think they’d have at least put a bell around her neck.

17:08
Bauer calls Palmer, only for the cell phone to blow up. With Victor’s highly advanced exploding mobile phone failing to kill anyone – what is this, a Roger Moore film? – Jack convinces the entire world to pretend Palmer’s dead so he can get Kim back.

17:09
Jack proposes a simple trade to Victor and his son: him for Kim.

Then he phones his wife for one last emotional conversation…

WE KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL, JACK.

17:12
Kim tries to escape.

Run, Kim, run!

17:12
Kim falls in the water.

Swim, Kim, swim!

17:13
Kim swims to the top and gets out alive.

Damn it.

17:17
One final shock, as 24 reveals its final mole…

Yes, it’s Frodo.

17:18 End of Episode 23
Here’s what we’ve learned:

– WHY WON’T KIM DIE?

Season 1, Episode 24

17:19
The following events take place between 11pm and 12am

17:19
ONE MORE HOUR AND THIS DAY IS FINALLY OVER.

17:21
Jack races to find his (now escaped and not drowned) daughter, while the Palmers argue about how long they can keep his death charade up for.

A Presidential candidate pretending to be killed just for the sake of one stranger’s daughter?

“This is just silly,” spits Sherry.

Yes, Sherry, it is. This whole thing’s silly.

17:29
Jack, in the secret underground prison, has been told that his daughter is dead by Victor and his son. He’s now crying.

He does a lot of crying in this episode. (Hashtag acting.)

17:36
Wow. Jack just got angry. He did some angry shooting. Some angry revenge shooting that killed all the bad foreigners.

Jack’s angry face: 20% Kiefer Sutherland, 40% Liam Neeson, 40% Grumpy Cat.

17:45
Meanwhile, back at Palmer HQ…

“You’re not fit to be the First Lady,” says David.

“Do you really think you can just leave me?” Sherry retorts. “You can’t just walk away from me!”

David walks away from her.

17:55
Wow.

What a fantastic finale for Season 1 of 24 – all the ludicrous plotting and breakneck tension of Homeland, combined with a genuinely revolutionary format that first gave wind to the notion of binge-viewing.

Even after the cracking shootout, there’s another strong blow, as we rebound from the moving relief of one family member being safe (Kim) to the genuine shock of another… not (Teri).

Yes, Teri Bauer has been bumped off by Nina. And Jack’s crying again. Sutherland may go that heavy on the ball, but he hasn’t emptied his bladder for 24 hours so it’s no surprise that water’s escaping from any orifice it can find.

17:55 End of Episode 24.
Finally, it’s over. 24 hours of kidnappings, killings, moles and Presidential campaigns.

Nobody went to the toilet once.

We, on the other hand, went to the toilet five times.

Here’s what we learned:

– Jack Bauer has a bladder the size of Madagascar. He is also not adverse to abusing power, going rogue, torturing people and crying about all three.
– Never trust anyone who can speak another language.
– There is no such thing as too much drama.
– Kimberly Bauer has the best and worst survival instincts of anyone in the history of the human race.
– There is nothing more thrilling than the sound of a ticking clock.
– Secret agents don’t eat food. And if they do, they do it very, very secretly.
– 24’s real-time format works really, really well for binge-viewing.

This, without a doubt, was the longest day of our life.

Day 2 tomorrow.

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