Ian Winterton | On 20, Dec 2016

Director: James Brolin
Cast: James Brolin, Mena Suvari, Giselle Eisenberg
Watch I’ll Be Home for Christmas online in the UK: Netflix UK

Every day until Christmas Eve, we unwrap another one of Netflix UK’s Christmas films and sort the naughty from the nice. It’s the #12DaysofNetflix. (Click here for the full list.)

“Grandpa left town when Grandma went to Heaven…”

Festive sick bags at the ready for this horrifically bland TV movie from Hallmark. James Brolin stars as a grinchy retired cop, who returns to town for a funeral just before Christmas, but stays to reconnect with his Assistant District Attorney daughter (Mena Suvari) and granddaughter (Giselle Eisenberg).

The plot, such as it is, plods along, with virtually no conflict or jeopardy. There’s a bit with a (police) dog to keep the kiddies awake. And some smooching at the end between Suvari and – spoiler alert – the guy she starts the movie thinking is a total douche, but who turns out to be much better than her no-good boyfriend.

The writing is so on the nose that even braindead imbeciles can keep up with what passes for a story. This is a genuine slice of dialogue: “This job’s taking up so much of my time and I want Gracie to have a perfect Christmas.” “You have nothing to complain about: you’re a terrific ADA, you have a great kid, an ex who lives in Paris who gave you full custody of said kid and a fantastic boyfriend who adores you…”

Anyone fancy some subtext with their egg-nog? No? OK.

There’s pretty much nothing to recommend this movie, save perhaps cutesy moppet Giselle Eisenberg, who acts the grown-ups off-screen. Everyone else needs to have a word with their agent. As for Brolin who – star, director and producer – is the man responsible for laying this tinsel-covered turd, we have to ask: “Why? Why do you hate Christmas?”

I’ll Be Home for Christmas is available on Netflix UK, as part of an £9.99 monthly subscription.

 

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