Director: Martin McDonagh
Cast: Sam Rockwell, Christopher Walken, Colin Farrell, Woody Harrelson
Watch Seven Psychopaths online in the UK: Netflix UK / TalkTalk TV / iTunes / Prime Video (Buy/Rent) / Google Play
It’s never a good sign when a writer starts writing about writing. That’s what we thought to ourselves while writing this. We made a brew, turned off the radio and figured we could easily write some coherent thoughts on Martin McDonagh’s Seven Psychopaths, which is now on Netflix UK.
So, we’re trying to pick our favourite quote from the film we’re reviewing. But just as we get going, the doorbell rings. It’s the window cleaner asking us to pay some money for doing the VODzilla.co Tower windows. Now, the VODzilla.co company piggy bank dates all the way back to the 1800s. It’s a real fricking nice piggy bank. But we don’t have any cash on us and this window cleaner won’t take no for an answer. So we go into the kitchen and get a hammer – the biggest hammer in the building. We’re talking Super Mario-sized hammer. Bowser would be quaking in his boots.
Wait, did Bowser wear boots? Maybe. Or did he just wear a shell? Yeah, we’ll go with a shell. He’d be quaking in his – anyway, so we’re giving this guy, who made us destroy our vintage piggy bank, which goes all the way to the 1800s, all the money we have. And then we go back to writing. And every now and then, we stop writing and get distracted by the Internet.
Why don’t they have a porn button on a computer keyboard? If someone invented that, they’d be rich. Maybe Mark Zuckerberg could do it. Maybe we could do it. We could be the next Mark Zuckerberg. Actually, scratch that. We don’t want to be the next Mark Zuckerberg. We like wearing more than one t-shirt.
Anyway, so we read back what we’ve written. Then we realise what’s happened: we’ve written ourselves into our film review. Crap. What a mess. This is the halfway point and the piece needs a direction. This isn’t really a proper piece of writing any more, you know. It’s just a random thought splurge. And we think: “Hmmm, this is all over the place. But you know what? If we go back and insert some jokes, some consistently hilarious jokes, and get Sam Rockwell to read out half of it – because Sam Rockwell’s comic timing is some of the best in the business – then this could probably still be quite fun to sit through. Maybe.”
Why do poodles always look like they’re crying?
Christopher Walken could be in it as well. Yeah. Apart from A Late Quartet, it’s been a while since he had a decent part to sink his teeth into, especially one where he gets to slit throats open with a knife, causing blood to cascade down people’s necks in a waterfall of bright red, sticky goo.
Yeah, Sam Rockwell and Christopher Walken. Insert some graphic violence into the piece too, maybe, undercut the format every few minutes to randomly go off on flights of fantasy. The kind of thing that Charlie Kaufman would do. But you know, less polished. And more sweary. We could even get a drunk Colin Farrell to read the bits said by us. He nails that kind of thing.
Hell, if all that happens, our Seven Psychopaths review may not technically be a review, but it’s probably an accurate representation of the colossal maze of nonsense your brain goes through when facing writer’s block. And that counts for something, right?
Now, where’s the porn button gone?
Seven Psychopaths is available on Netflix UK, as part of an £8.99 monthly subscription.
Where can I watch Seven Psychopaths on pay-per-view VOD?