Chris Blohm | On 12, Dec 2013

Director: Edouard Nammour
Cast: Harry Enfield, Vinnie Jones, Stephen Fry
Certificate: U
Watch Tooth online in the UK: Apple TV (iTunes) / Prime Video (Buy/Rent) / Google Play

“People who liked this also liked: The Big Bounce…Mean Machine…Loaded…” Now, without wanting to sound like a big old killjoy, we’re not desperately convinced that anybody liked those films. But that’s the joy of the iMDB: algorhythms designed like nonsense poems. So what exactly does this sorry bunch have in common? Well, they’re all part of the oeuvre of Vincent Peter Jones, better known to the world as Vinnie. And when you’ve got Vinnie on board, you know you’re in for one heck of a ride, right?

The Escape Plan star and former Wimbledon midfielder is just one of a million familiar faces to crop up in Tooth: Do You Believe in Fairies?, a rather forlorn, perfunctory little caper that conjures little magic over the course of 90 arbitrary minutes. On the plus side, Tooth could well be the scariest film to feature talking rabbits since Inland Empire. And it does feature the line “You get more whiff from a bag of prunes” so beggars can’t be choosers. (Note: In case you heard otherwise, Tooth is not a prequel to ‘vagina dentata’ horror Teeth. Just to make that completely clear.)

Edouard Nammour’s film tells the story of Tooth, a conveniently named tooth fairy played by Submarine star Yasmin Paige. When Tooth inadvertently gives away the Easter Bunny’s entire tooth fund, she’s forced to track down the loot and escape the clutches of a shadowy chap called Plug (played by Harry Enfield, channelling the raw, aggressive energy of a Greggs sausage roll.)

En route to a bizarre finale set in the aftermath of a cheese festival (!) Tooth encounters a variety of unusual, medically deranged supporting characters. The aforementioned Mr. Jones makes an appearance as a rogue fairy. Later on, there are cameos from the likes of Stephen Fry (there’s always a cameo from Stephen Fry) and Richard E. Grant playing the most irritating version of Richard E. Grant possible (and for the record: we love Richard E. Grant.)

Revelations come and go, but none of it makes any sense. And despite being one of the few films on Netflix featuring Christmas in its synopsis, it’s barely festive at all. Sure, there are a few Christmas trees here and there, but allusions to the Yuletide feel shoehorned in, like they were an afterthought during reshoots, perhaps as an attempt to make the whole torrid affair just that little bit more marketable. It’s all quite intolerable. The pacing’s sluggish, the script uninspired, and the whole thing plops along like a cracked scallop. Not really a Christmas cracker, more like pulling teeth.

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