People Just Do Nothing: Who’s who at Kurupt FM
Ivan Radford | On 16, Aug 2016Reading time: 4 mins
People Just Do Nothing returns this Wednesday on BBC Three for a third season. Taking us behind the scenes of Kurupt FM (108.9FM), West London’s second most popular pirate radio station, the comedy is one of the channel’s brightest and best – something that can’t really be said of its subjects.
As clueless as they are commercially successful, they blag their way through street life one track at a time – and talking nonsense as they go. Sometimes, they receive up to eight text messages per show, while playing the finest from the UK’s garage and drum ‘n’ bass scene. They’re very big in the Brentwood area. At certain times of the day. Think Alan Partridge, but with baseball caps. Believe.
So who are these heroes of the illegal airwaves? And what do you need to know about them before you tune in? Season 1 and 2 are both on BBC iPlayer, but here’s a quick guide to what’s what and who’s who in People Just Do Nothing.
MC Grindah (Allan Mustafa)
The head of Kurupt FM, he’s one of greatest MCs around. He juggles his career as a pirate radio DJ with looking after his girlfriend of five years, Miche, and their daughter, Angel – a tricky balancing act he manages mostly by ignoring the latter two completely. You’ll find him jumping up and down in his radio studio, getting high on his sofa or interrupting the priest at the Christianing of his daughter, so that he can announce who his choice of Godfather is. A total bell-end.
Quote: “People know I’m on telly so they think I’ve got money. I ain’t. They don’t give us money.”
DJ Beats (Hugo Chegwin)
MC Grindah’s best friend, Beats is always there for his mate – even though the same can’t be said in return. Originally an MC, until Grindah told him to be a DJ instead, he’s now Kurupt FM’s resident disc spinner, as well as the partner of Roche, a security guard, and step-father to her teenage son, Craig. Beats likes to think of himself as father – and Godfather – material, but nobody else really agrees. Not even the children. Kind. Loyal. Dim.
Quote: “Do you think if Sea World hadn’t trained Free Willy to jump so high, he wouldn’t have been able to escape?”
Miche (Lily Brazier)
A full-time mum and long-time girlfriend of London’s best MC, Miche is devoted to her daughter and her fella – to the point where she even considered giving up her new job as a trainee hairdresser so that he wouldn’t be annoyed with her. Lying about being proposed to in order to keep her job, she’s still waiting for him to pop the question properly. Or at least fix the curtains he taped to the windows. In the meantime, she has Decoy to provide a sympathetic ear.
Quote: “I’d probably go to the Bahamas and have a barefoot wedding on the beach. And stay in one of those nice hotels, where they fold your towel into a swan or a monkey.”
Decoy (Daniel Sylvester Woolford)
A friend of Grindah and Beats, Decoy is their driver and yardie, which makes him a big deal. He does his own jockeying on the side, which is not a euphemism for the fact that Grindah’s daughter, Angel, looks more like Decoy than him. Grindah is too busy mistaking him for being Jamaican to notice. The only smart, mature one in the area, he’s always got Miche and Angel’s backs.
Quote: “Shall I take Angel for a bit?”
Chabuddy G (Asim Chaudhry)
Less an entrepreneur and more an ultrapreneur, there’s nothing that Chabuddy G hasn’t tried to do. He runs the UK’s only dial-up Internet cafe, which is in a portakabin that doubles as his home. He makes Polish Vodka out of window polish. And he has a club, the Champagne Steam Room, that once attracted more than four people to see Kurupt FM work their musical magic. He spent the evening hitting on a customer – a change to his normal romantic routine, which mostly involves his wife Aldona stealing his money and running away until she runs out of cash.
Quote: “Never underestimate the power of spray-painting things gold. It triples the value instantly.”
Steves (Steve Stamp)
Steves lives at Kurupt FM. Not because he’s dedicated to the station, but because it used to be his nan’s flat. She’s in a nursing home now and, like everyone else, thinks he’s a moron. His job title includes head of security and recycling, which is another way of saying Grindah makes him do every menial task that comes up. Often after locking him in so he can’t escape. Steves is usually too wasted to do anything about it.
Quote: “I’ve got no drug problem. I’ve got the opposite. I have no problem with drugs whatsoever.”
People Just Do Nothing: Season 1 to 4 is available on BBC iPlayer until 11th January 2019. Season 1 to 3 are also available on Netflix UK, as part of an £8.99 monthly subscription.
Where can I buy or rent People Just Do Nothing online in the UK?