12 Days of Netflix: Miss Me This Christmas
Rich people’s problems2
Poor people giving sage advice2
Ian Winterton | On 23, Dec 2017Reading time: 2 mins
Director: Kenny Young
Cast: Erica Ash, Redaric Williams, Eva Marcille
Watch Miss Me This Christmas online in the UK: Netflix UK
We unwrap a different Christmas film from Netflix’s dubious seasonal selection every day. For 12 days. It’s the 12 Days of Netflix.
Judging by his filmography, director Kenny Young has a thing about Christmas. And, while You Can’t Fight Christmas and Merry Ex-Mas could very well be towering works of cinematic genius, Miss Me This Christmas is – to be blunt – crap. Really crap.
Its very premise is feeble-minded: Regina (Erica Ash) and Franklin (Redaric Williams) are a super-rich couple, both “crushing it” in the music industry no less, when her suspicions of his infidelities at record label all-nighters leads almost instantly to divorce, in a sequence so implausible they have to address it voice-over: neither of them want to split but somehow it’s happening anyway. Idiots. The final decree will be passed in 30 days, on – wait for it – Christmas Day. Which, wearily, is the day they also got married on.
There then follows a weary procession of scenes masquerading as a movie. Regina moves into the penthouse suite at the Chesterton Hotel where her uber-successful best friend Trish (Eva Marcille) lives. Though apparently desperate to save her marriage, she also does some ‘struggling to get back into the dating scene’ stuff, which is awful.
Regina’s first encounter with nerdy-but-handsome Ulysses (Allen Maldonado) sees him ooze “Trish forgot to mention how beautiful you are” and our heroine’s response isn’t to consult the FBI’s list of wanted serial killers, but to say: “I needed to hear that today, thank you.” Then, she goes on a date with him. And when, five minutes later, he proposes, she says yes. Franklin’s watching, you see, and, besides, the rock on that ring is big. But, for some reason, they have Ulysses say that he once studied ‘Women in Gender Studies’; one can only assume he signed up expecting something entirely different. (The Spirit of Christmas may be alive in this movie, but feminism is dead.)
Other awfulness includes a bellboy who represents all the poor people of America (there are a few still left, apparently) and, while he’s only 20, doles out sage advice to Regina like the part was originally meant to be played by Whoopi Goldberg. There are Trish’s dreadful friends – sexy young people who stride about semi-naked – and Franklin’s accidental girlfriends: a zany exotic dancer and a cold-hearted but beautiful singer, neither of whom exactly represent believable obstacles to soulmates Regina and Franklin rekindling their luuuuurve.
To find out if, against the odds, the couple is reunited before Christmas Day, you’ll have to watch the movie. But don’t say we didn’t warn you. It’s truly dreadful.
Miss Me This Christmas is available on Netflix UK, as part of an £8.99 monthly subscription.