Neil Brazier | On 29, Aug 2014

Director: Paul W.S. Anderson
Cast: Kit Harrington, Emily Browning, Kiefer Sutherland, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje
Certificate: 12
Watch Pompeii online in the UK: Netflix UK / TalkTalk TV / Apple TV (iTunes) / Rakuten TV / Prime Video (Buy/Rent) / Google Play

Hollywood will take any story, no matter how tragic, and try to turn it into a popcorn-chomping blockbuster. Here, the volcanic eruption of Mount Vesuvius that caused the destruction of the city of Pompeii in 79AD is turned into a Princess and the Pauper-meets-Gladiator-lite tale of love and vengeance.

The movie is rather violent, although you won’t see anybody bleed. On its theatrical release, the BBFC originally advised that Pompeii was to be rated 15 unless the violence and blood levels were toned down. It was eventually classified as 12A and now, on its VOD release, 12. There is blood present in smears on blades – or adorning what little clothes the gladiators wear – but for all the throats slit or limbs dismembered, not a drop spills from those wounds. The lack of blood isn’t missed on the whole, though, because there are bigger flaws afoot than a splash of red.

One of those flaws is plot. This was never going to be the story of a volcano explosion – this isn’t a Roland Emmerich flick – but the idea of a love story going on while a city is devastated around our lead couple is absurd. Putting their class divide aside, the defining moment that draws Cassia (Browning) to Milo (Harrington) is when he wrings the neck of one of her horses, right thing to do or not.

The other big flaw is casting. Obviously chosen from his work on Game Of Thrones, Kit Harrington is perhaps the only performer well suited to their role. Neither Emily Browning nor her on screen parents (Jared Harris and Carrie-Anne Moss) seem to fit in the period setting, while any Lost fan will struggle to see past Mr. Eko from Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje. (In fact, he even finds himself once again fighting a black smoke monster and calling people “brother”. Coincidence?)

But when you think things couldn’t possibly get any worse, Corvus enters, played by Kiefer Sutherland, who exhibits the worst accent of all and channels his inner Jack Bauer when he faces resistance from Browning. (“Damnit, Cassia!” is an opportunity missed.)

After Vesuvius’ eruption, the run-time is filled with explosions, the collapse of buildings and earth giving way, although the spectacle is more akin to a video game than a blockbuster movie. With molten rocks crashing all around the black ash-filled sky, the potential for applause-worthy set pieces and death scenes is begging to save the film from mediocrity. Unfortunately, we’re treated to just one almost-hysterical sequence as a character is sucked, Wile E. Coyote-style, into the ground, grasping the air for salvation that never comes. It’s laughable, but this isn’t a comedy: Pompeii lacks emotion like it lacks flood defences.

Despite the hefty budget, though, the most stunning visual is Harrington’s abs, perfectly chiselled and glistening with sweat. No CGI here – it’s all his own hard work. Despite Paul W.S. Anderson’s best efforts, your eye will always be drawn back to his midriff.

So, unless you fancy looking at Kit Harrington’s body for 90 minutes – for which we wouldn’t blame you – avoid Pompeii as you would the city if it started to rumble. In this sub-Gladiator world, Pompeii steps into the arena and VODzilla.co issues the thumbs up! (Because in gladiator times, thumbs-up was the go-ahead for the killing blow.)

 

Pompeii is available on Netflix UK, as part of an £9.99 monthly subscription.

 

Where can I buy or rent Pompeii online in the UK?

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