VOD film review: Seven Psychopaths
Ivan | On 15, Oct 2013
Director: Martin McDonagh
Cast: Sam Rockwell, Christopher Walken, Colin Farrell, Woody Harrelson
Watch Seven Psychopaths online in the UK: All 4 / TalkTalk TV / Apple TV (iTunes) / Prime Video (Buy/Rent) / Google Play
It’s never a good sign when a writer starts writing about writing. That’s what we thought to ourselves while writing this. We made a brew, turned off the radio and figured we could easily write some coherent thoughts on Martin McDonagh’s Seven Psychopaths.
So, we’re trying to pick our favourite quote from the film we’re reviewing. But just as we get going, the doorbell rings. It’s the window cleaner asking us to pay some money for doing the VODzilla.co Tower windows. Now, the VODzilla.co company piggy bank dates all the way back to the 1800s. It’s a real nice piggy bank. But we don’t have any cash on us and this window cleaner needs paying. So we go into the kitchen and get a hammer – the biggest hammer in the building. We’re talking Super Mario-sized hammer. Bowser would be quaking in his boots.
Wait, did Bowser wear boots? Maybe. Or did he just wear a shell? Yeah, we’ll go with a shell. He’d be quaking in his – anyway, so we’re giving this guy all the change we have in our vintage piggy bank, which goes all the way to the 1800s. And then we go back to writing. And every now and then, we stop writing and get distracted by the Internet.
Why don’t they have a cat button on a computer keyboard? If someone invented that, they’d be rich. Maybe Mark Zuckerberg could do it. Maybe we could do it. We could be the next Mark Zuckerberg. Actually, scratch that. We don’t want to be the next Mark Zuckerberg.
Anyway, so we read back what we’ve written. Then we realise what’s happened: we’ve written ourselves into our film review. What a mess. This is the halfway point and the piece needs a direction. This isn’t really a proper piece of writing any more, you know. It’s just a random thought splurge. And we think: “Hmmm, this is all over the place. But you know what? If we go back and insert some jokes, and get Sam Rockwell to read out half of it – because Sam Rockwell’s comic timing is some of the best in the business – then this could probably still be quite fun to sit through. Maybe.”
Why do poodles always look like they’re crying?
Christopher Walken could be in it as well. Yeah. Apart from A Late Quartet, it’s been a while since he had a decent part to sink his teeth into, even if his Seven Psychopaths role does involve a fair bit of brutal, graphic violence.
So, Sam Rockwell and Christopher Walken. Some graphic violence. Undercutting the format every few minutes to randomly go off on flights of fantasy. The kind of thing that Charlie Kaufman might do. But you know, less polished. And with more swearing – swearing read by Colin Farrell playing a drunk writer. He nails that kind of thing.
Now, if all that happens, our review may not technically be a review, but, like Seven Psychopaths, it’s probably an accurate representation of the colossal maze of nonsense someone’s brain goes through when facing writer’s block. And that counts for something, right?
Now, where’s the cat button gone?
Seven Psychopaths is available on Netflix UK, as part of an £9.99 monthly subscription.