James R | On 18, Sep 2014

Director: Marcus Nispel
Cast: Jason Momoa, Stephen Lang, Rachel Nichols, Ron Perlman, Rose McGowan
Certificate: 15
Watch Conan the Barbarian (2011) online in the UK: Amazon Prime / Apple TV (iTunes) / Prime Video (Buy/Rent) / TalkTalk TV / Rakuten TV / Google Play / Sky Store / CHILI

“I live, I love, I slay. I am content.” When Jason Momoa says it, you believe him. His Conan is as monosyllabic as a loaf of bread, but his fingernails are the size of a bus. Of course he’s convincing.

Still, it’s not as if Momoa has a tough act to follow. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s original outing was hardly a five-star classic. Toning down the cheese, this modern take on the swords-and-sandals adventure takes advantage of CGI to render the fantasy landscape perfectly. It just forgets to fill it with characters.

The script (by Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer and Sean Hood) tries to start well with Conan’s formative years. But when your heartfelt backstory begins with a bloody birth sequence, you can tell you’re in a certain type of storytelling.

At least the casting is right. Hacking and slashing everything to pieces, Momoa’s Conan is an intimidating presence – and director Marcus Nispel knows what to do with him, producing some solid set pieces, especially one scene involving fighters made of sand. Every few minutes, another man’s innards are spilled on the ground. Who knew it was so easy to crack a man’s head open with your bare hands?

Amid the guts and entrails, Rachel Nichols does a decent job as Tamara, the token damsel in distress. It turns out her blood is needed by the evil Khalar Zym (Lang) to turn him into an immortal god. Or something. So while Zym tries to unleash the power of the underworld – accompanied by his freaky witch daughter (McGowan), whose main job is to look like Helena Bonham Carter – Conan rushes to protect Tamara and save the world. A feisty independent woman rescued by a butch warrior so she can become his barbarian wench? It’s not exactly a satisfying narrative arc.

For all of the decent action and judicious use of Ron Perlman, Nispel’s nonsensical plot skips over stuff like logic looking for the next spurt of action. One character (let’s call him Mr. Plot Device) is saved from death, then disappears until a superfluous 10-minute scene near the end. At the end of one fight, Conan seems to be poisoned with a knife, which spreads blue blotches over his shoulder that no-one mentions for the rest of the film.

Yes, it’s enjoyably gory, but Conan’s story is too two-dimensional. And Lang’s villain isn’t memorable enough to stop the climax feeling disappointing and limp. Conan lives, he loves, he slays. But audiences won’t be content.

Conan the Barbarian is available to watch online on Amazon Prime Video as part of a Prime membership or a £5.99 monthly subscription.

 

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