David Farnor | On 09, Aug 2013

Everyone knows that there are Nicolas Cage films… and there are Nicolas Cage Films. But how do you know which is which? And how you can see them? We present a list of (almost) every Nicolas Cage film ranked in order of least rubbishness – and where to watch them online.

Face/Off

Nic Cage and John Travolta swap faces. Yes, this is an actual film that actual exists. It’s better than you could possibly imagine. (Read our academic essay on Face/Off – or our ideas for a Face/Off sequel.) (IR)

 

 

 

 

Con Air

Nic Cage goes all shaggy-haired as good man Cameron Poe, who’s stuck on a plane taken hostage by a group of convicts (led by John Malkovich). Worth watching just for Steve Buscemi singing “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands”. And, of course, the cuddly toy bunny. (IR)

 

 

 

 

 

Adaptation

Nic Cage and Nic Cage star as Charlie Kaufman and his imaginary twin brother. Writer’s block, a midlife crisis and a crazy white man who steals flowers combine to make one of the most original films ever made. Bring a spare brain. (IR)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vampire’s Kiss

When is a vampire movie not a vampire movie? When Nic Cage thinks he’s turning into one by mistake. Think of the most absurd thing you can. Then times it by five. And make it recite the alphabet. (IR)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leaving Las Vegas

Depressing, brutal, sad. Nic Cage is all of these things in a hysterical comedy starring the love interest from the Hot Shot films. (AJ)

 

 

 

 
 

The Rock

Like Prison Escape. But in reverse. With Sean Connery. And Nic Cage. And nerve gas missiles. No wonder it’s Michael Bay’s best film. (IR)

 

 

 

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Werner Herzog + Nicolas Cage = seriously weird. Cage plays a drug-addled cop who sees iguanas everywhere while trying to track down drug dealers and rescue prostitutes. He’s so unbalanced he practically spends the entire film at a 45 degree angle. (IR)

 

 

 

 
 

Kick-Ass

“Gold call, baby doll!” says Nic Cage before shooting his daughter. Sporting a huge moustache, a utility belt that would make Super Mario blush and a glorious Adam West impression, Cage’s unhinged superhero is as demented as he is delightful; a sympathetic figure with a screw loose – and a gun to put it back in place. (IR)

 

 

 

 
 

Raising Arizona

Coen craziness allows Nic Cage to amp up the insanity, yet keep it cas…ual. He’s odd, the film’s mental, and it feels like Nic Cage had a career. (AJ)

 

 

 

 
 

Lord of War

Nic Cage plays perhaps the best-named character of his career in Yuri Orlov, an arms dealer making a killing in the modern world. From the devastating first shot to Cage’s grinning greed, this is a satire that takes aim at its target – and fires hard. (IR)

 

 

 

 
 

Matchstick Men

There are eccentric people. There are very eccentric people. Then there’s a con man played by Nic Cage in this winding drama that, impressively, is driven by character more than plot twists. Phobic, on drugs and faced with his estranged daughter, Nic puts in a great performance, supported by an on-form Sam Rockwell. Ridley Scott’s most underrated film. (IR)

 

 

 

 
 

Snake Eyes

An out of control Nic gradually becomes sane in Snake Eyes, an old-school thriller based around an assassination during a boxing match. Tracking shots and conspiracies? You can tell it’s a Brian De Palma film – most of all from the stellar opening shot, which goes on for 13 minutes. (IR)

 

 

 

 
 

Moonstruck

This romantic comedy sees Cher hook up with a young man from a different social circle. Nic Cage plays her love interest: a one-handed baker. You can tell he’s one-handed because he wears a glove. Worth watching just for the bonkers “Bread is life” rant halfway through. (IR)

 

 

 

 
 

National Treasure

Nic Cage steals the declaration of independence to find a treasure map on it. Justin Bartha is allowed to do things (that’s how old this film is). Massive amounts of Indiana Jones-esque fun. (AJ / CB)

 

 

 

 
 

National Treasure 2: Book Of Secrets

More ridiculous escapades based around Nic Cage’s ‘seriously determined’ face – only this time Dame Helen Mirren pops in and catches a case of sequelitus. They kidnap the President of the United States. Nic Cage does this. Yup. (AJ)

 

 

 

 
 

The Sorceror’s Apprentice

Nic Cage pulls off long hair, a hat and pointy shoes as modern sorcerer Balthazar Blake in this blend of spectacular CGI and boring plot. His costume is the most interesting part. (IR)

 

 

 

 
 

Knowing

There are known knowns. There are known unknowns. Knowing is an unknown unknown, a movie that follows its convictions all the way from conspiracy to apocalypse to unsubtle religious subtext. Good on it. (IR)

 

 

 

 
 

The Wicker Man

Maybe the ultimate modern Nic Cage film, The Wicker Man is not a clear-cut classic like Face/Off or Con Air, but with so many quotable lines and a downright demented performance (“NO, Not the bees!”) it’s definitely worth watching. The Director’s Cut has more gruesome abuse, while the theatrical version brings Flyboys star James Franco in the mix. (AJ)

 

 

 

 
 

Season of the Witch

“We’re going to need more holy water!” Nic Cage goes Carrie Bradshaw for this tale of a knight with beautiful flowing locks facing a girl who may or may not be a witch. Big swords, bad wolves and Hellboy headbutting a demon? Swashbuckling and witch-burning is what some people want from cinema. And by heck does this give it to them. With wings on. Big, rubbish CGI wings. And claws. (IR)

 

 

 

 
 

Guarding Tess

Driving Miss Daisy meets Olympus Has Fallen for this likeable but forgettable comedy, in which Nic Cage is outperformed by Shirley MacLaine. (IR)

 

 

 

 
 

The Weather Man

Nic Cage dons his everyman face to play a put-upon weatherman in Chicago. A character piece about a dull character, it follows his darkly humorous midlife crisis for 100 minutes. Then stops. (IR)

 

 

 

 
 

Windtalkers

This underwhelming action drama is so dull it will make you doubt World War II ever happened. (AC)

 

 

 

 
 

8MM

Nic Cage gets sucked into the grimy world of snuff movies when an old codger dies and his widow discovers his extreme pornography. Desperate to discover the fate of the film’s star, she enlists Cage’s detective. Almost unremittingly grim. Cage and Joaquin Phoenix turn in decent performances but it’s a tough watch. (SP)

 

 

 

 
 

Gone in 60 Seconds

Lovely cars driven by not so lovely people, Gone in 60 Seconds should fly by in a flash – it goes on for two hours. (IR)

 

 

 

 
 

Ghost Rider

The director of Daredevil opens his adaptation of the comic books with a credit sequence on a rollercoaster. The film that follows has no ups to go down from, no thrills or spills, and the photo provided at the end of the ride is you sitting, frowning, waiting for anything to happen. Nic Cage spends the whole time in mumblecore mode. (AJ)

 

 

 

 
 

Ghost Rider 2

Yeah, this is more like it. The directors of Crank turn Nic Cage into a crazy beast… for 40 seconds. Then allow the Man Of Steel screenwriter to write a film that’s even worse than the first one. Remarkable in its absolute monotony, this is not what a Nic Cage Crank Ghost Rider film (keywords in a Google search of “How to gain an erection”) should be. (AJ)

 

 

 

 
 

Drive Angry (3D)

A disjointed thriller about a man who escapes from hell to get revenge. He’s chased by a man carrying a magic gun, which seems to turn things into 3D. A rare case where drinking should take place before driving. (IR)

 

 

 

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Reviews written by Andrew Jones, Selina Pearson, Chris Bryant, Alex Clements and Ivan Radford.

 

 

As Stolen arrives on DVD and VOD, we present a CAGE WEEK, seven days devoted to celebrating the boggly-eyed, big-grinned, strange-haired insanity that is Nicolas Cage.

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