David Farnor | On 25, Jun 2013

Song for Marion is out on DVD and in iTunes this week. It’s fan-ruddy-tastic. So while you download your online purchase or rental, let’s deal with another, more pressing problem: the fact that when you do go to see it, you will inevitably end up pouring bucket-loads of water onto your living room carpet. From your eyes.

Yes, it’s basically Sister Act 2 with old white people instead of school kids and Whoopi Goldberg, but Paul Andrew Williams’ movie is a hugely moving experience – something that may cause trouble for the manlier viewers, who need to save their manly male face from crumpling like a woman’s soggy tissue.

So, to keep your butch reputation in tact, here are 10 things to say if other people walk in and see you crying during Song for Marion.

1. The roof is leaking

Leaky roofs and poor masonry standards in the home can cause it to rain on your face at any point during a moving film. That’s a DIY fact. In some extreme cases, it might even rain on your face up to several times within one hour.

 

2. There’s something in your eye

An eyelash, perhaps. Or a bit of grit, if “eyelash” doesn’t sound manly enough. Whatever your object of choice, remember to rub your eyes continuously through both the sad *and* happy scenes of the film to make sure other people get the idea. You can always ask someone else to inspect your eye to complete the effect, although don’t expect much help if they’re watching it with you – they’ll probably be crying too.

 

3. You have no popcorn in the house

Who wouldn’t shed a tear over having no food?

 

4. You’re chopping onions

Who doesn’t chop onions in the living room? With no other snacks on the cards, a little homemade cooking while watching a film is the only rational response.

 

5. You’re allergic to cats

Inspired by the mature generations on display in the film, maybe you decided to get a cat. Maybe you’re allergic to it, causing your eyes to water all the time. Maybe it’s an invisible cat so no one else can see it. No one would dare contradict someone so visibly distressed.

 

6. You just heard The Hour got cancelled

Yes. The BBC have cancelled The Hour. Yes, we wept too. (Although Season 1 and 2 are now available on iTunes.)

 

7. Your contact lens is stuck

There’s nothing more painful than your contact lens slipping round the back of your eyeball and getting stuck there – forcing all the moisture out through the front. Practise screaming in agony to really sell this one.

 

8. You’re crying with laughter

Crying at sad things may be embarrassing, but crying with laughter? That’s perfectly respectable. Even better, say you were laughing at someone else crying. Then you’ll appear REALLY manly. *fist bump*

 

9. [Insert obscure medical condition here]

Conjunctivitis. Glaucoma. Laurence-Moon-Bardet-Biedl syndrome. Just make up anything with “-itis” on the end. The more syllables, the more people will nod and leave the room before they catch it too.

 

10. You were snorting cocaine

For those who want to appear particularly hardcore – because only real men do cocaine while watching a family film. Sure, you may lose the respect of your loved ones or flatmates, but at least no one saw you cry. Why not do another puff to celebrate?

 

Try any of the above and you’ll be able to sob away during Song for Marion without fear or shame. But don’t worry too much if you can’t remember your excuse: anyone else within 10 metres of the film will be crying anyway. 

Read our Song for Marion review.

Add to Watchlist