Director: Phil Claydon
Cast: Matthew Horne, James Corden, Paul McGann
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Here they come, lolloping into our cinemas with all the grace of a one-legged watermelon: Horne and Corden. Corden and Horne. One fat, one thin. Get it? One of them (Corden) is fat. The other (Horne) isn’t. What larks.
That’s one of the central jokes behind the duo’s feature-length outing, Lesbian Vampire Killers. That and the movie’s title. The film sees Corden and Horne find themselves in a village. But this is no ordinary village: this is the village of Cragwich, which hath a curse upon it so mighty that all women of 18 years and above doth get turned into vampires of the homosexual variety. Oh no! What will they do? Is this the end of Corden and Horne, Horne and Corden?
Sadly not. They stay alive for the whole 90 minutes of brain-dead trite that they have to offer. Now, in all fairness, this one isn’t really their fault. The pair have shown in the past that they do have talent – from Gavin and Stacey to History Boys, to Corden’s eventual hit career in the US, their comic timing can be spot-on. They, however, didn’t write Lesbian Vampire Killers, they just took the chance to star in it – a film gig, surrounded by scantily clad lesbians with one hell of a bloodlust? All the 15-year old boys in the movie’s target audience would jump at the prospect.
Although the effort goes in, appearance-wise – the lighting, the effects, even the quirky titles work quite well, until you get sick of them – it’s a textbook example of polishing a turd. Insistent upon comedy sound effects and needlessly speeding up random segments, director Phil Claydon goes so far that the whiff just gets stronger. By the time the penis sword and fat jokes start rearing their heads for the 50th time, you’ll want to cut your nose off and shove it down their windpipes. It’s a shame, really, because Paul McGann makes for a great priest.
Lesbian Vampire Killers is available to stream online on SHUDDER UK, as part of a £4.99 monthly subscription, or £49.99 yearly membership.
Where can I watch Lesbian Vampire Killers on pay-per-view VOD?
For more on Shudder UK, including reviews of films available now, previews of what’s coming soon and an interview with Dearest Sister director Mattie Do, see VODzilla.co’s Shudder UK channel.